5:18 p.m. - July 13, 2001
YES
The answer is yes. Yes, I have told him how I feel...and what I need...and yes, I have begged him to please work on things FOR US. I am tired of fighting. I don't want him to be defensive. I don't want him to feel like he needs to be defensive. I want him to listen to me, as his partner, and hear what it is that I have been saying. But, no matter how I try...no matter what I say...no matter how delicately I say it (oh, and I have) my words come across as insults...as attacks.
I am not ALLOWED to make suggestions or voice my concerns. I am not ALLOWED to tell him how I truly feel. I am not safe to express myself or my feelings or my desires. I am not trying to change you, Walter. I am not disrespecting you. I am not asking you to be responsible for my happiness.
SEVERAL, SEVERAL MONTHS ago, I went to Gina a desperate woman. Walter and I had grown so far apart. We were having major problems communicating. We were already fighting alot. He had lost his temper / control on a few occassions and I didn't want that kind of relationship. No matter what I tried to say, I was misunderstood. So, I went to Gina, to try to save my marriage.
I know that all of the work I have been doing is GOOD and I will not ever regret doing the "work." Doing the work has helped me to forgive the past, to let go, to work my shit out, to be fully present. In doing so, I became a more "whole" and healthy person. But, at the same time, I felt like I was moving away from Walter. For the sake of my marriage, I asked Gina to please try to help me convince Walter to go see her.
He finally agreed and we went to see Gina, together. The session was mostly a disaster - at least for the first 45 minutes. Walter went into these great litanies of psycho-babble. He was talking about generalizations and studies and a whole lotta NOTHING. Not really saying anything but with a whole lotta words. Gina finally told him to cut the shit and get on with it. It was obvious that things were not okay with us, although Walter kept insisting that our relationship was fine.
Sometimes I wonder where he is.
I am sitting next to him, in Gina's office, looking him in the eyes, and I am raising my voice at this point, saying, "Things are NOT ok in our relationship, Walter!"
Yet, still he insisted things were just swell.
He eventually agree to see Gina for a session. It was terrific. He would come home, in flux, a new man. He was sensitive and sweet. He was open-hearted and spoke about his feelings, his fears. We had great conversations, often ending in tears and long embraces. I thought to myself, "Thank god. My relationship is going to work."
Then, he came out of flux.
Within weeks, we were fighting again. Same old shit. Fighting about everything - and nothing. Power struggles. One day he lost his temper again and I felt fear. True fear. I burst into tears and told him that I wasn't the same woman that he married. I was more sensitive and that I didn't want to fight anymore. I told him that I saw my father and my brother in his eyes - something that I never wanted to see again. He apologized a million times over and admitted that 1. He had issues that he needed to work on 2. He had anger issues that he needed to deal with and 3. He wasn't ready to work on them.
I told him that he needed to work on those things - that I needed him to work on those things, for the sake of US. He insisted that he wanted to wait for awhile. I insisted that it couldn't wait.
Still, he waited. He's never gone back to see her...or, anyone else, for that matter.
I looked him in the eyes and told him (in no uncertain terms - and I spoke in English), "I am not happy. I will not stay in a relationship where I am not happy." And I went so far as to tell him what it was that I need, in order to be happy. I need him to listen to me, as his partner, without anger. I need him to hear me and not be defensive. I need to be able to talk with him and we need to be able to resolve our issues. I need him to stop telling me how to feel or what to do. I don't need another drill sargent in my life.
Nothing has changed.
So...for those of you that have asked and for those of you that will, the answer is yes. YES I DID TRY.
