11:32 a.m. - Nov 7, 2001
Honesty above all else
Hoooooooooooly shit. Holy shit.
The trait I most admire in people is honesty. Honesty is the single most important thing a person can give you.
Leigh just called. I hadn't heard from him in days. I call him my little Bohemian, because I never know exactly where he is, or what he's doing, or when I'll hear from him again. He is a true free spirit.
Yet, I've had this uncertain feeling in my heart. Like there's "something up" and wondered what was going on in his life and in his heart. I felt it in his voice when he called me. When I asked him what was up, he said that he wanted to talk to me - but we should wait until the weekend, when we can talk in person. Ok, this sounded ominous. Then, we got to talking...and he spilled the beans. Strange that the same thoughts and fears that had been swarming in my mind were also swimming in his. He admitted to sleeping with a girl on Halloween night. He also said that he felt guilty and didn't exactly know why he was guilty - didn't and doesn't know what it is that "we are doing"
Holy shit, my feelings exactly.
I reassured him that everything was ok. He's human - damn, so am I. I told him about my date with Aimee. I admitted that I wasn't exactly innocent, but that I was also feeling guilty. I agreed that I didn't know what it was that we were doing. That, logically, I didn't want to be in a long-distance relationship, that I didn't want to get caught up in another relationship so fast. That I wanted to date other people and just have some fun - that logically speaking, I wasn't looking for this. But yet, I cannot deny what is in my heart. The whole time I was out with Aimee on Friday night, I kept thinking about him.
So, again, I do not know what we're doing here or where this is going. But, I am taking it one day at a time and whatever happens, happens. I don't want to put pressure on him, or on myself. I am ok with where we are right now.
So, he told me how he cares about me and our friendship and how he feels better that we talked - that he felt the weight of the world being lifted from his shoulders. I told him that I appreciate his honesty and I want him to feel like he can always tell me whatever is on his mind. I want to know the whole truth, grit & grime included.
I feel better, in a way. Better that I am not alone in my uncertainty...and in my displaced guilt.
And yes, I am afraid. Afraid that he is going to break my heart.
I told him that here are no guarantees, but that I was willing to take a chance.
Oh, Love be kind to this sensitive soul.
