12:22 p.m. - Mar. 18, 2002
Letter to Philly
Brother Philly,
I woke up this morning, feeling somewhat troubled by the things that you said yesterday. It didn't really bother me so much yesterday because (I guess) I was just glad to see that you were back to being Philly again. But yet - the more I thought about it, the more that I have found myself troubled by a few of these things that you said - and how you said them. I am glad that you have expressed your thoughts and feelings to Adam, and I'm glad that you shared these things with me. But, one thing that just didn't happen was my expressing to you how I felt by the way that you expressed yourself. No need for me to walk on eggshells, but I just now got to the point of knowing that I was upset about what / how you said some things.
(I am learning to communicate my feelings and my needs - which is why I feel so compelled to tell you how I am feeling now.) I do not want to remain silent and I do not want to take steps backwards, by not expressing myself. I feel a silent voice, just behind my lips, that is waiting and hoping for me to speak up. So, here goes...
First of all - I want you to know that I believe in the magic...and I share in it. It's okay for others not to share in the truths that we feel in our hearts, because these are our own personal truths - no one has to validate them for me in order for me to believe in them. I empower them by believing in them.
When Adam and I walked out of the hospital together on Thursday, I felt like we can (and are) changing the world. Yeah sure - call it delusional. Maybe I've always been a bit delusional. But, words and thoughts have power and energy. I cherish the blessings that have allowed me to share my experiences - both the good and the bad with the people that seem to need to hear them. I do this freely, as does Adam - as do you. You and I (and Adam, and others) are all changing the world, healing it as we go along in this lifetime. But, hearing you say, "How dare him!" really hurt me. Because, my love, you are not only saying how dare him, but you are saying how dare you (to me). I am not defending Adam, but I am sharing with you how your words have effected me. How dare him WHAT - to care? Yes, how dare him (and me) to care. (I can feel the look on your face changing right about now. I can see your lip start to curl, Philly. Just hear me out, please) How dare us feel like we can make a difference in someone's life. I may be delusional, but I feel like I can make a difference in others' lives - as can Adam, as can you, as can anyone else that feels compelled to share their struggles and their insights and their viewpoints. No, it's not my job to do so - but, I find myelf listening to my heart and acting on these feelings. I think that you have done the same thing. It brings me closer to the ALL, closer to the truth of knowing that we are all ONE when I share my struggles and reach out to people when I feel they are in need. Adam, I believe, shares in this. So, when he does the happy dance because he feels like he's made a difference, I will dance with him. No, he's not a Super Hero. Nor am I. Nor are you. But, we are all gods and we all have the power to change the world. I think that you do believe in the power of changing people by words and actions - I've seen you in action myself. You have been a teacher and a student many times before (so have I). You have made an impact on so many people's lives - you've helped me and others, by sharing the knowledge that you have obtained in this lifetime and others. I celebrate this.
The fact that Adam rubbed you the wrong way is yours alone to deal with, with him. I think that open dialogue between the two of you is best, but that really has nothing to do with me. However - when you say that you saw shades of Walter, well...that just opened up a whole new bag of worms for me. I spent the evening trying to see and hear the shades of Walter that Adam showed you. I questioned myself because I most certainly do not want to repeat my old patterns. Choosing another Walter in my life is not something that I would want to do - and something that cripples me, when I think that maybe I've done that again. However, the only thing I see that Adam and Walter both share are their egos. If it was Adam's ego that bent you, then I am ok with that and again, that's between the two of you to resolve.
I want you to know that I was hurt by the way that you expressed yourself yesterday - because I felt like you were being selective in determining who you feel can say what to whom and when. Can we not all speak and touch and reach out and attempt to help outhers? Again, maybe it was just the way that Adam responded to the exchange that he and Candace shared that bent you out of shape. Still, I think it was great and beautiful what happened between Candace and Adam. And yeah, I know, she's done it before and she'll probably do it again, with other men - including you. I don't think that that's the point. I think that Adam was drawn to hugging her and he did, without knowing that she doesn't like to be touched. This is a great change, in itself. He took a chance and she responded. I think it is hurtful to diminsh what he felt about that whole exchange. He is entitled (as am I) to feeling like he made a difference.
Sitting there with Candace, she somehow felt compelled to share all of THAT with us - all of us. How can I sit idly by and not share with her my take, my experiences, my heartaches, and the lessons that I learned? Well, I felt compelled to speak up - as did Adam. I shared with her and she shared with me. As did Adam. As you have in the past and will in the future. I think that it is healthy and good to celebrate our life's work - and share with others (when we are compelled to do so) our struggles.
I hope that can hear the joy from which I write this - it is a big step for me to express myself. I want you to know that I love you, I cherish you, and I embrace the person that you are. Sometimes your words hurt me - and I just want you to know, so I am not holding this inside me.
If you would like to talk about this, let me know. If you're mad or hurt, I want to know.
I love you very much, Philly.
