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12:19 p.m. - Mar. 14, 2002
Blue Light truth
I just had a truth whispered into my ear. I was standing in the kitchen, eating my toasted peanut butter & jelly sandwich, and reflecting on the blue light that I had seen in my kitchen the other night. Last night at dinner, I told Adam about the blue light. I was wondering out loud to him, why this light would manifest itself now. The only other time I was ever shown the blue light was when I was 16. It scared the shit out of me and I ran. This time, however, when I saw the light, I thought that maybe someone was trying to cross over, that perhaps they had a message they were bringing. This time, I wasn�t scared. I embraced the experience with joy and curiosity.

So, I was standing there tonight, lost in thoughts of this blue light�and suddenly a truth came to me about my relationship with Walter. When I tell people of my struggles with him � of how he never heard me, of how lost I always felt that he was � they ask me, �Did he change? Did he misrepresent himself?� I have always told them that he had changed, that he used to seem so present, sensitive, and involved. He always talked the talk of living a whole life � but, as time went on, he seemed to move further and further away from these things. He stopped doing the things that brought him to a place of healthy balance, he began to take me for granted, and he stopped listening to me. The truth that I realize now is that he didn�t change. I did.

When we first met, I did not see. I did not want to see. I wasn�t capable of seeing. I saw in him what I wanted and needed to see. I was so far away from my own personal truth and my own personal power, that I couldn�t see myself � and I surely couldn�t see anyone else. I am guilty of doing the same thing to him that I always faulted him for doing to me � for not seeing, not hearing, not knowing the real person that lives behind all of the words. Walter only saw in me the person that he wanted to see. I am guilty of the same. I only saw in him the person that I wanted him to be. When I began to finally see and accept the entire person that I had become, it was only then that I truly began to see him.

A great teacher once told me that the things that bother us most about other people are the things that bother us most about ourselves.

I just didn�t understand until now.

It has been said that we enter into relationships that give us exactly what we need. We are drawn to people and relationships that will help us work on the things that we chose to work on in this lifetime. We are destined to repeat our old patterns, until we get it right. It is why so many little girls marry their fathers. It is why so many people choose to stay in abusive relationships. Until we resolve our issues, we are destined to repeat them.

I had a lot of pain and conflict in my heart for many, many years. I didn�t know what to do with my guilt, my regret, or my heartache. I tried to cover it up, ignore it, and deny it. No matter what trick I tried, it always returned. Off and on, over the years, I found myself returning to the black hole of depression, unable to release myself from it completely. Because I had lived so long with this pain, and had mastered the art of hiding it, I no longer recognized it. I didn�t know what it was that was causing my heart so much pain, I only knew that I had it.

So began my journey. Enter Gina. I didn�t know what to expect or what I was going to say when I entered her place that afternoon a little over two years ago. I didn�t know what was going to become of our work, I only knew that I needed help. My only real complaint about my life was that I felt like I wasn�t really living it � I felt like I was just going through the motions. I had no idea that it would bring me HERE. I had no way of knowing then the power of her subtle work or the changes that my life would take.

Had it not been for all of the work that I did with Gina, I probably would have continued to live a life without true joy. Walter, on the other hand, would blame �the work� for the demise of our relationship. In a very broad sense, it�s true. It was with Gina that I came to know the real and total me. I came to accept and celebrate the entire person that I had become. I began to accept all of the �parts� of me, with joy. With her gentle encouragement, I began to seek out the things in life that really made my heart sing. When I began to REALLY live, I also learned what I needed and wanted in this life. That is when I began to truly see. I moved out of the blackness, into the light. I left the past behind and began to live in the present. I tried to take Walter with me. I tried to show him, but he didn�t see. He didn�t want to see. He wasn�t capable of seeing.

I am no longer a shadow of myself. I am no longer going through the motions of life. I am living it. I have come to accept myself, exactly as I am.

So, I give thanks for the blessings that Walter brought to my life. He will probably never know it, or ever want to know it, but he was instrumental in facilitating many great and wonderful changes in my life. He was instrumental in my great awakening. So here, in this moment, I give true thanks for all of the bumps on the road and all the detours, too. This crazy path has brought me HERE and I am grateful to be here.

 

 

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