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10:24 a.m. - Mar. 19, 2002
Preparing for the WORK
So, I�ve had a � tablet of a 10mg Valium that I�ve been saving (since December) for a rainy day. Today is that rainy day. It is beginning to hit me and I feel better already. Sloooooooow motion, baby�and I need it. I am a drama-free mama � but I have been living in the midst of so much fucking drama lately that I don�t even know how to deal with it. It just seems so unreal, so beyond anything I can comprehend. I called Gina today to tell her that I had �work� to do and that I needed to get working on it. She said that it is unsettling for a person that normally lives without drama to suddenly find themselves immersed in it. My appointment is scheduled for 4pm this Friday. I�m really looking forward to it.

(Wow, it�s difficult to type.)

So � to prepare for our appointment, I thought that I should try to get down on paper all of the things that have gotten me to this place of needing to do �the work� again.

The stresses that I am dealing with seem so unfathomable. It is hard for me to see the things that are happening � they just seem so unreal, so unbelievable. I cannot believe some of the shit that has gone down. I cannot believe the things that Philly is doing � lashing out at all of his closest friends, shitting on everyone and everything, treating everyone like doormats. I try to keep it in perspective, knowing that he is ill and having to take a lot of medications. Maybe the medications are making him this way. But I cannot and will not stand idly by and allow him to beat me up verbally and emotionally.

I am really torn. I have never been angrier with someone I love so much. It has gotten to the point of me walking away from this relationship. My struggle and my lesson in this lifetime are learning to communicate my feelings and my needs. But, at what point do you realize there isn�t anything more to communicate? There�s a part of me that wants to tell Philly how angry I am at him and how he hurt me. But wait � I did that already. I sent him a long e-mail, gently expressing to him the best way that I knew how that he has hurt me with some of the things that he said � and how he said them. But, his response was full of more of the evil bullshit that I was telling him that hurt me to begin with. Not only that � but also some of the things that he said were downright mean and spiteful. I took them as personal attacks and they couldn�t have been taken any other way.

Chronology of events, to be discussed with Gina:

� Learning that Philly has HIV. Sadness, shock, fear.

� Dealing with the fact that he has known for the past 3 � years and didn�t share it with any of us.

� Feeling sad and a little angry that Philly made Sasha live with the burden of knowing, and not being able to tell or share any of it with any of us.

� Shock and stress of Philly�s almost three-week stay in the hospital � and not knowing if he was going to live through this.

� Putting on a brave, happy face for Philly when I visited him � and how mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting that was.

� Adam�s visit to Houston. Candace crying in Adam�s arms, while in Philly�s hospital room. Adam & I felt the exchange was beautiful and magical.

� My visit (alone) w/ Philly on Sunday. Philly mad at the world, bitching about everyone and everything. Adam bent him the wrong way � told him to address it directly with Adam.

� The things that Philly says to me plague me all Sunday night and Monday morning. I draft him a long e-mail, telling him he hurt me with some of the things that he said and how he said them.

� Philly e-mails Adam and tells me that he said his peace, without pissing anyone off � and that I would be proud of him.

� Adam calling in an angry rage, to tell me all about Philly�s e-mail. He forwards it to me, I read it, and I agree � Philly was insulting, pompous, and rude.

� Meanwhile, Philly responds to my e-mail and says some really mean shit to me. He tells me that this is the Philly Show and that he is definitely the one in charge.

� I find myself angrier than I have ever been with a friend. I decide to not respond to his e-mail right away. I wonder if I should walk away from this relationship or if I should tell him off? I wonder what I should say, if I do decide to speak it to him. I wonder if anything I say will matter at all.

� I think things could not possibly get any worse � then Dave calls to tell me (today) that he got a fucked up strange e-mail from Philly. Philly asking Dave if he jerked off while Adam and I were fucking last week � because Adam was bragging all about it. Dave decides not to reply right away. He decides to tell Philly, �I don�t know what drama you are trying to drag me into, but leave me the fuck alone.�

How has Philly affected me? He�s hurt me and he�s made me angry. He is acting like a spoiled brat � ungrateful and selfish. He makes demands on me that he doesn�t hold himself to: we can only talk about what he wants to talk about, when he wants to talk about them, and only in the presence of the people he chooses. There are too many rules � and he doesn�t make them clear. The world does not revolve around him, and he can�t always be in control of everything and everyone all the time.

 

 

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