10:15 a.m. - Apr. 03, 2002
Sex and Love
�So�here�s a proposition for you - would you be interested in no strings, just friends, SEX with me?�
�And, he answered, �Absolutely.�
(That�s a great answer. I love it when people say yes!)
One hour�he will be here in one hour.
(Intermission)
Quarter after midnight now. I�m beginning to learn what I want. If I can figure out what it is that I want, I�ll be able ask the universe for it. Here�s the deal � sex is great. I love it. But, if there is no connection, it is only sex (which is still good)�but sex WITH love, with that CONNECTION, is incredible, mind-blowing, life-altering stuff.
I hear Bjork in my head right now, singing, �There�s moooore�to life than this.�
There is so much more�
Charlie couldn�t (and didn�t) put Adam out of my head. Maybe that�s what this was, a feeble attempt at distracting myself. Sure, of course it was. So are the travels, the adventures, the things I�ve been doing�to stay busy, distracted. Sex with Charlie was good. It wasn�t great. There wasn�t a connection, and our rhythms were�just�different. I wanted to make love, I didn�t really feel like fucking � but FUCK I did. I guess I didn�t realize it until now.
I want a lot more than THAT. Although, THAT wasn�t so completely horrible�
I feel ok that Charlie�s gone now. I was ready for him to leave. I feel like I�ve given him a gift of myself�and I�m okay with that. But, I also feel like I didn�t get as much out of the exchange. I don�t feel like we shared a particularly special moment together � we didn�t. It was just sex, amongst friends.
Oh, but I am grateful. I am grateful to have an interesting, sexy, intelligent man that will just come over and fuck me. Hallelujah for that.
But what I want is something that is completely out of my control.
(Reading this over again, I notice that was a line out of Dangerous Liaisons, �It is completely out of my control.�)
Control is an illusion, anyway. None of us really have any control over anything.
But�what my heart cries for is my relationship with Adam. I wish that our relationship was still thriving and fulfilling. I wish that we were making incredible, mind-blowing, life-altering LOVE to each other, perfectly�
I�ve cried in his arms, so many times � and yes, including during (and after) making love with him. I feel such a strong connection with him. There is an absolutely amazing energy between us. That�s why all of THIS hurts so badly. That�s why none of THIS makes any sense to my head right now. I want him in my life. I am hurt, not knowing what happened�or what I could�ve possibly done, to make him run off like this.
I do not know what happened and there is a BIG ASS part of me that really wants to know. (Notice I said, �wants� and not, �needs�) to know. I know deep down that it is only ego that causes me to question why our relationship is over. (It is not the destination, but the journey�) The universe provides us exactly with what we need.
All I know is � I took a chance, and that is what�s important. I must congratulate myself and celebrate the fact that I took a chance.
