11:09 a.m. - Apr. 11, 2002
Allow me...
(letter to Adam) I just pressed the SEND button. I feel better already.
You could see me reaching
So, why couldn�t you have
Met me half way?
You could see me bleeding
But you could not put
Pressure on the wound
There have been so very many thoughts and feelings, weighing heavy on my mind and heart lately. I need to release and express these feelings to you. I need to move forward, out of the fog�
I am very torn. In a big way, I am just shocked beyond belief that you have withdrawn like this from me. It hurts me to no end that there was no warning and there has been no explanation. I simply do not understand. I am hurt and confused�and yes, I even have anger inside me now. I�m angry that you could run from hot to cold like this, and discard me so easily. I never saw this coming�
I have a lot of questions, but I am beginning to accept that I may never get any real answers from you. I feel like you have been dishonest with me. I feel like you have been playing games with me. I feel like you have deceived me and misrepresented yourself. (If you wanted a long-distance girl to just come to town occasionally to fuck you, why didn�t you just SAY THAT!?) I respond amazingly well to honesty and to communication. Instead, you lead me to believe that there was so much more between us. I gave my heart to you, I pledged myself to you � because I fell in love with you. You made it SEEM safe to do this. You made it SEEM like you were emotionally available. All I know is that we were just rolling along � no pressure, no schedule, no obligation � and then�out of nowhere, you up and disappeared. You tossed me away like an old rag. You didn�t even have the respect (or guts?) to pick up the phone (or send me a damn note) telling me�ANYTHING. I feel like I am on the outside, and I�ve been TRYING to look in, to reach you, to connect with you. But, you only let me see what you want me to see�and there hasn�t even been a whole lot of that lately.
If we don�t see each other and we don�t communicate, what do we have? If you wanted OUT, what didn�t you just tell me?
Why are you building
These big, thick walls
To defend me�
I do not understand why or how you could have such a total disregard for me and my feelings, that you completely push me aside like this. You�re in love with me and you want to make a life with me? How did we go from there�to here?
Silence. You ran away. I do not understand. I have never had so much sadness in my heart as I have right now. I feel like a widow that has just lost her husband. That is how fast the tide turned, for me. I went from feeling like all was right in the world - that I had finally met the man that completes me, inspires me�the man that I want to build a life with. You mirrored that back to me, Adam. You spoke the words. You made the hollow promises. You looked me in the eyes and pledged yourself to me. I didn�t ask any of that from you. You offered it freely and I accepted it � because I thought it was real and special and AMAZING.
But, game over. Your actions gave you away. Your silence spoke volumes to me � even when you always returned with an explanation. I just didn�t WANT to believe that you really were (or could) withdraw / change so quickly. Were you ever really in love with me? I don�t know if I ever really want to know the answer to that question, because I think I already have the answer. It doesn�t make sense (in my heart or in my mind), how you could love me and yet treat me like THIS.
I just want to grant myself the closure that you don�t seem to care enough to give me. I don�t want to be in limbo anymore. I�m tired of waiting for you to NOT call. I�m tired of waiting for some kind of (any kind of) answer. I simply want honesty and communication � the same things that I expressed to you from the very beginning. But you can�t seem to give me that. Instead, you�ve just fallen off the face of the earth...
I would rather be alone than in limbo. I would rather be alone than treated with such total disregard. I would rather be alone than wait, wonder, guess, worry, and question everything that we shared.
(It is an irony that is not lost on me - a man with so many words, unable to express himself.)
