5:08 p.m. - Apr. 21, 2002
Back to reality...
This is a letter that I wrote to my new "pen-pal." It is the only writing that I've done since I left for vacation last Wednesday. My laptop broke, dammit. Keyboard froze.
Carl, I hope you don't mind if I place this online. And, there is no need for you (Carl) to read this entry, because I've already sent it to you!
Carl,
I�ve been dying to write you�but I have been unable. You will hardly believe this. On my first night in West Palm Beach, I sat down in front of my computer and began writing you a long, long letter. After writing for a while, I took a break and walked out onto the balcony. It was a dark night, hardly any stars out. I couldn�t see the moon or the ocean just beyond my window � but I could hear it. It was a beautiful evening and I sat out there and smoked a cigarette, while listening to the waves rolling in and out. I decided that it was such a nice evening, that I would like to sit outside while I write you. So, I moved everything out to a little table.
Unfortunately, when I tried to power up my laptop again, the keyboard froze up. The letter �s� got stuck�and just kept running all across the page. I couldn�t type anything. I was so damn mad, I could just scream � I had no way to write you!
So here I am � Sunday afternoon (a hot, sunny day here), back in Houston. I took an early 7am flight back this morning. It�s been killing me that I can�t write�so I drove up to where I work, to write. Nobody�s here. No one works on Sundays on the floor that I work. The air conditioning is off and so are the lights. But, I just REALLY want to write, so here I am!
My time in Florida was very special. I went to West Palm Beach, alone, to gather my thoughts and feelings. I am trying to heal my broken heart. I will tell you � I have never been heart-broken like this before. I�ve had a lot of boyfriends and I�ve been married once � but no one has broken my heart like this before. I will share this history with you, because you also seem to suffer from a broken & lonely heart.
I met Adam online, back in December. He lives in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. Because I work for Continental Airlines, I fly for free. So, I was flying to Florida almost every weekend (since January) to see him. He also flew to Houston twice, to spend time in my hometown, with me. He met all of my friends, my co-workers, and my family. We fell in love fast and had a great bond. I felt like I had finally met the person that completes me � that makes my heart sing. He told me that he felt the same way. Our phone bills were outrageous, from calling each other long-distance and talking on the phone for hours on end. When we spent weekends together, we would sometimes stay up all night, talking and crying and laughing and making love.
Adam just really made me HOT, on so many levels. We are both very spiritual people (not religious � there is a VERY BIG difference!), and when we were together, everything just seemed so much better. Adam is a big man. He is just BIG�with tattoos, a shaved head, ear plugs, and (I hope you don�t mind me saying so) but a rather fat (and uncut) cock. We had the absolute best sex. Not because his dick was big (although, I�m not complaining!). But we had great sex because there was a deep, soulful connection between us. Sometimes, when we made love, we would just cry in each other�s arms � because we could both feel some force that was bigger than the both of us that just seemed to take over.
Adam�s birthday was this past Wednesday. I originally had made the plans to go to West Palm Beach with Adam, for his birthday. We were going to stay at that exquisite hotel on the beach, together.
I don�t know what happened. I still don�t fully understand. Everything was going just fine. There wasn�t any pressure. But, a couple of times he would just disappear for a couple of days or so. He wouldn�t return my phone calls, he didn�t reply to my e-mails�he just disappeared. He would always contact me, after a few days, and tell me about all the problems his ex-wife was having, and how he had to go and help her (because of their two children). She is always manipulating him, with the children. She treats him like a dog, and he allows it. He puts up with that. There were several times when Adam and I had plans to spend a romantic weekend alone, only to have his ex-wife step in a ruin it for us. It wasn�t entirely just her though. Adam always says yes to her, whatever it is. She would take advantage of him, he would allow her to do so, and then he would get mad at himself for being that way. He was angry and hurt all the time, and he always shared these heartaches with me. I would listen to him and comfort him and just let him live his life, not telling him what to do or what I wanted. I sat patiently by, waiting for him to take care of EVERYTHING ELSE. But, when he started asking me for my opinion and my advice, I was honest with him. Maybe I was too brutally honest with him. (I am a brutally honest person and sometimes I offend / scare people off). But fuck it why is it necessary to LIE, or to hide behind half-truths? I don�t understand it.
I told him that what he needed to do was to tell her NO more often � and to stop allowing her to rule our relationship. He had to stop living her life for her. (He name is Nora, by the way). He admitted that he saw this happening and he vowed to work on this. I also told him how it hurt me when he would just disappear for days. (It is hard enough, living in different cities, separated by a two-hour flight.) He promised that he wouldn�t disappear again.
Which is why I am so hurt, confused � and now MAD. Everything (I thought) was fine. And then he disappeared. Only this time, it was for weeks. He stopped returning my phone calls, and he only sent me little e-mails, occasionally. Again, he told me that he was involved with another drama with his ex-wife and how chaotic it had been in his life. He pledged to call me. He never did. Since he wouldn�t return my phone calls, I decided that I could no longer allow him to leave me in limbo like that. I had to take a step for myself, to grant myself some closure. (I think you might�ve read the e-mail I wrote to him � I posted it in my journal).
He really fucked me up inside. After I sent that e-mail, he did call me. He called me last Friday, to tell me that he was going to respond, but that he needed a day or so. My words had hurt him � had sunk into his head like a pitchfork, or something, he said. But, that phone call never came�
I went to Florida, alone, to give myself a break. I needed some time to think�and to feel the pain that had crippled me. I had been running away. I had been smoking a lot of pot, not sleeping, not eating, and just generally trying to numb the pain. I had sex with a 21 year old college boy while I was in Mexico a few weeks ago. Just like that. I flirted with him, made out with him (and his friend) and fucked him (only him) because I thought that it would make me feel better. I wanted to feel that special connection again. Don�t get me wrong � the sex was DELICIOUS with him. But, it was just sex. Sex without that CONNECTION just isn�t the same. Making love is incredible. That�s what I wanted. But instead, I got drunk, and fucked him for the hell of it.
This time that I spent in Florida, however, was much different. I was alone the entire time. I spent most of my time at the pool or at the beach. When the sun went down, I sat in my hotel room, alone. I watched a lot of television, and I did some reading (since I couldn�t write). The book that I read is called The Future of Love. I�ve read it before. I wrote about it in one of my journals. This book changed my life. It changed everything. I decided to read it again. I needed to. I stayed up til 3am that first night, just reading and crying. I would read something so beautiful and so TRUE that it would just hit me and I would find myself lost in another pool of tears.
But, I needed to do this. I needed to feel that pain. The only way to heal is to really allow yourself to feel the pain in your heart. I embraced it.
I also listened to a lot of music. I went out and bought the K&D Sessions before I left on my trip. I sat out by the water, and listened to it. It is INCREDIBLE! Thank you for turning me on to it.
I took a very long walk one afternoon while I was there. I walked on the beach for a couple of hours, and just talked to myself. I sat down on the sand and prayed to the ocean. I felt an angelic presence, all around me, comforting me. I then started to feel the world around me, �speaking� its truth in my ear. I felt a rush of energy, all about me, and goose bumps filled my arms and legs. It was at this point that I happened to notice a small and quirky little bird. His feathers were very different from all of the other birds on the beach. I even said it out loud, �Wow, you�re a pretty bird. So different from all the others.� He was speckled, like a stone, with colors of brown, white and black. Like I said, I was already talking to myself (out loud), so I just turned my questions to the bird, instead. I was saying to myself, �I get it. I really, really get it. I understand.� (I had just realized an amazing truth about my life, which I will share):
I realized that I could see the �pattern� of my life. I could see the thing that I was repeating, over & over again, in my relationships with people. As a child, I always felt invisible. I felt like no one ever saw me or heard me, like I never existed. That�s what happened in my marriage. After my husband and I were married two years (together for a total of three), I started to become invisible again. He took me for granted. He didn�t listen to me. He didn�t believe in me. He stopped communicating with me. And finally, I now see that that is what happened between Adam and I also. I became invisible, once again. I realize that this is my life pattern, my cross to bear, my battle scar.
So � I was saying (to this little bird), that I could see the pattern. I could see what it was that my soul wanted me to work on. But, NOW WHAT!? What do you do once you realize what it is that your soul wants you to work on? That little bird kept walking with me, just in front of me. He kept running and kept looking back at me. It was as if he were saying, �Follow me.� Don�t you get it?� He continued to walk in front of me for a long time. He could�ve easily have flown away, but he didn�t. He just kept running and looking back at me. Then I felt the goose bumps again. The little hairs on the back of my neck stood up.
Now I truly understood. It felt like the bird was telling me the answer. The answer was: Just keep going. Just keep going.
Wow, that sounds so simple.
The bird was making tracks all over the sand, now running to the left and to the right. He would stop and eat something out of the sand, and then he would run along the sand again. Again, I felt like he was telling me to, �Enjoy the detours in life.�
I laughed at the bird and at myself. Good thing no one was around to witness this � surely they would think that I am a crazy girl.
At this moment, I almost stepped on a small toy that was lying in the sand. I bent down to pick it up. It looked like a Sumo Wrestler. On the back of the toy, it said, �Burger King.� (I thought of one of your writings, when you were talking about Burger King vs. McDonald�s, and I laughed at this.) When I looked up again, the bird looked back at me and finally flew away.
So � the whole �message� I got was: Just keep going. Enjoy the detours in life. And laugh � have a sense of humor.�
Strange story, but I wanted to share it with you. I don�t tell everyone these stories. A lot of people would not ever understand. They would think that I was crazy�or stupid. I am neither. I have always felt different because of the sensitivities to life that I have. I feel connected to the earth and to the energy of the universe. My god that sounds CRAZY. But, it is my truth. I have prophetic, epic dream journeys sometimes. And I am very sensitive to energy (the life energy of people, animals, etc.) Like I said, I don�t tell may people this � only my closest friends truly know.
Ok � so I will tell you a little bit about myself. A summary, if you will:
I am 33. No longer married (although, my divorce isn�t final yet). I have one beautiful son. His name is Nico. I never married his father. His father has never met Nico, but he does know that he exists. I was 20 when I had Nico. His father, Niff, was only 16. I haven�t ALWAYS had a THING for younger men. (Adam just turned 42). I am a little woman (in size) � not in heart and not in soul (in these things, I feel very big). I LOVE music. Music makes it all better for me. I am drawn to the power of drums. I am moved by the rhythm of the bass guitar. Music gets under my skin and is with me, always, if only in my head. Sometimes music sends me to a whole other dimension and I surrender to it. In music, I can go and feel and see and do ANYTHING. Which leads to another one of my greatest passions � dance. I absolutely love to dance. I love to lose myself to the music. I dance naked in my home a lot. �Waltz for Koop� is a fantastic CD to dance naked to. That shit is so damn sexy. Great stuff.
You already know that I love to write. I always have. Writing keeps me sane.
I also love to travel. I have been to the U.K, France, Spain, Indonesia, Ecuador, Mexico, and all over the U.S. I have never been to Germany�or to Sweden (but, you are inspiring me to go to Sweden!!!!!) I love to camp and hike. I am mostly a tomboy (inside), although I am very feminine (on the outside). I hate to buy clothes and prefer secondhand. I will wear the same damn pair of shoes day after day, until they fall apart. I have long hair now. I always had short, short hair�but decided to grow it out. I like it long, but I didn�t think that I would.
As you have probably figured out, I am very spiritual. I do believe in or follow any organized religion. I don�t need for someone to show me their version of their truth. I find my own truths. I feel that god exists inside each of us. I do not believe in hell, but I do know that dark energy exists. I believe in honesty and integrity and love.
You asked me to explain what it is that women want from men. I cannot answer that. I strongly feel that I am not like most women. I can explain further, but I�ll leave that to another letter. I can only tell you what I want in a relationship. I want a partner that is as adventurous, spontaneous and wacky as I am. I want someone that is as honest and expressive and passionate as I am. I am drawn more to a person�s �light� (energy), mind, and soul than their looks. I don�t necessarily have a �type� of person that I am looking for, unless I was to say that that person is �on the same wavelength� as me. Someone that sees things the same way as me. Someone that will talk�and listen to me. Someone that will share my dreams. So, it�s vague. I can�t put it on a label and sell it in the stores. I simply want to meet a man that makes my heart sing. I will just know it. I have faith (I really do) that I am going to meet someone, someday, that will complete me.
You asked about my name. �Is it French?� I suppose so. It was a very popular name for a girl at the time that I was given that name. I think because of the Beatles song. No kidding. My grandmother used to always sing that song to me, when I was a child.
I think that your English is great! I do not speak any other languages. I can only imagine how challenging it is to read, write, and speak in another language. Cheers to you, for doing so well with it!
How did I find out about Diaryland.com? I had a little crush on a girl in my Yoga class. We flirted tirelessly with one another. She gave me the url for her diary and I read it. I thought that it was a great idea. At that time, I really hadn�t been writing (for YEARS!), so I thought it would be a good way to get back into writing again. (I was right � I have been doing a lot of writing since!)
I think it is absolutely amazing that you say that the K&D Sessions are a life soundtrack for you. You must be filled with a lot of passion and a lot of dreams. I think that is completely beautiful. There is a (rock) band here that I feel sings from my soul. It isn�t jazzy or soft�it is IN YOUR FACE rock n roll, with a bit of a twisted hip hop. They do a lot of scratching (and I fucking DIG THIS!) I cannot tell you how this music affects me! Oh, the name of the band in Incubus. Can you get your hands on a CD called �Make Yourself� by Incubus? I know you are opposed to mp3s, but if you want a taste of their music, download a song called �Battlestar Scralatchica� (I might�ve misspelled it). Seriously funky cool shit. I sat out my the pool this week and just played that damn song, over & over again. (We share this) I can listen to the same damn CD for months, before I fully absorb it and want to move on to something else. It drives people crazy.
(I am jumping all around here, trying to address all of the things that I wanted to address, from your letter to me) So, my apologies if this rambles all around.
I do not follow politics at all. I have never registered to vote. I think that politics is yet another farce. The government and the act of electing a President are all just more bullshit games for the masses. I remind myself: Don�t ever allow anyone to EVER prevent you from seeing or seeking the truth. Just because EVERYONE thinks and says that things are a certain way, does NOT make them that way. We all (each and every one of us) shape our own reality. Just because my truths are different than what I see in the world, does not make them any less true.
I would like to see what you look like, only because I am perhaps one of the most curious people that you might ever know. I would like the opportunity to out a face with the writings. I will send you pics of me, in return, if you are interested.
Ok, a girl that I work with just showed up. We just had a long conversation about life, love, and relationships. And suddenly it is now 5pm. I�ve been in this hot damn building for two hours now. I gotta get some fresh air (funny to say that, because I also want to go smoke a cigarette � can�t smoke inside the building here). So I will leave this writing where it is�and look forward to �speaking� with you more later.
It�s so hot that my fingers are swelling! Have sweet dreams tonight and I look forward to hearing from you again soon.
Until more is written...
