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10:33 a.m. - Apr. 24, 2002
Chaos, 2002
I have some pain in my heart...because of both Adam and Philly. i have decided to rename the month of April (at least for 2002), to Chaos.

Chaos, 2002.

This is the time for a lot of personal growth for me. I feel big changes within me. Significant changes on a soulular level.

(I'm creating new words now. Soulular: to affect the soul, on a cellular level)

I feel very present in this time. I am not running away or covering up the pain. I am living it. I have embraced this time in my life as a great opportunity for me to learn and grow - to become closer to being more of my whole self.

Two weeks without any contact with Philly. And Adam stood me up...and hasn't made contact since. He agreed to get together last Thursday night, while I was in West Palm. He didn't show and he didn't call.

I haven't had sex in 17 days...and it feels great. How weird is it to write (and read) those words!? But, it's true.

I have had plenty of opportunities for sex...but, I just have no desire to connect with someone like that right now.

I'm taking a break...from sex, from pursuing the person that completes me, from all of THAT...for a while.

I need to be with myself right now. I am really learning a lot about myself and my life path, in this time of silence. This is a time of great refelction for me.

If I can just figure out what it is that I want, I will ask the universe for it...

 

 

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