1:32 p.m. - Sept. 13, 2002
Rollercoaster
As good as yesterday was, today is the complete opposite of that day. And it's Friday. It should be a great fucking day, eh?
I'm not writing it again, but it's worth posting as it pretty much summarizes all that has happened in my life recently.
This is a letter I just sent to Carl:
Ah, my sweet. This has been of week of honesty and of expressing myself fully and completely to the world. Not all of it good. Well, that�s not entirely true. It is always good to express oneself and to be honest with the world. I guess what I�m trying to say is that not all of it has been easy. In fact, a lot of it has been downright difficult and painful this week. I�ve had good and bad things happen in abundance this week � it is as if I am on some type of strange life roller coaster.
Allow me to elaborate.
Wow, what a week. Where do I begin? I will begin with the saga of my Inquisition. My best friend Clint and I lunch together every week - sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. This is the time that we have for one another, to discuss all that is happening in our lives. Two weeks ago, Clint expressed to me his concern � that Eltin was away in Europe for three weeks and not once did he contact me. He felt that Eltin didn�t really care about me because of this. He feels that Eltin is misleading me and that I give more to the relationship than he is giving. He also feels that Eltin is going to break my heart. He doesn�t want me to get hurt. These are all fine things on some level because I know that Clint loves & cares about me�and he is just looking out for me. I can appreciate the love and the concern.
But, as I pointed out to Clint, this is MY life and MY path. I have to make my own decisions. There are no guarantees. Even if I was married to Eltin and he was 110% completely devoted to me, there are no guarantees of what tomorrow brings. And I am ok with that. I have always been ok with that. I accept where I am right now. I accept where we are in this relationship right now. The time that I spend with Eltin is precious and sacred to me. I love the times that we share. I love the way that I feel when I�m with him. I love the person that I am when I am with him. He brings out (and notices) all the tiny little special things about me. He appreciates me and he loves me. I do not doubt this AT ALL. Just because I am not living my life to Clint�s specifications � or how he would live HIS life � does NOT mean that I am a wreck. It does not mean that I am unhappy or unhealthy. I told him then that I am ok (more than ok!) and that he needs to stop sending me so much negative energy. I asked him to give Eltin a chance � to stick around and to spend some time with him � and with us together, so that he can see that interaction that we have. But Clint is never around and doesn�t take the time to do these things. Instead he spends every weekend with his boyfriend. And he just sits there, removed from the situation, and makes judgment calls on things he knows nothing about. Clint and I agreed to disagree on the matter of Eltin. Clint also told me that he was going to (essentially) mind his own business - and allow me to live my life as I see fit.
Ok � all fine & dandy, right?
I thought so as well.
That was our conversation of two weeks ago.
Then Clint and another friend of mind, Craig contacted me and invited me out to dinner this past Tuesday night. I spend a lot of time with each of them � but rarely do we all three have the opportunity to spend time together. I was very excited about being able to hang out with the both of them. We decided to try a new restaurant in the area. Like I said, I was really looking forward to this time. We got together Tuesday night for dinner. But it wasn�t JUST dinner. Oh no � it was the fucking inquisition of a lifetime. Halfway through dinner, Craig spoke up and said, �We want to talk with you about Eltin. We�re concerned.�
Well, I was fucking pissed (angry, not drunk). I felt betrayed that Clint would go behind my back to create all of this unnecessary (and ridiculous) drama. We had already had this conversation! But Clint did not speak. He had Craig do his bidding. Every thing that Craig said was bullshit that Clint had fed him. I found myself defending my self. But I am not guilty. I am not on trial. Angry, angry. I explained my feelings, my thoughts, my expectations. I explained lots of things about Eltin and my relationship with him�the whole time thinking to myself, �This is none of their fucking business!�
After I expressed all of these things to Craig, he told me that he was really ok with things. That if I was happy and fulfilled and satisfied, then he was as well. He didn�t mean to get into my business in this way. He just wanted to let me know that he was concerned. When I assured him that I was not BLIND or stupid, he let it go. It was time to move on and put the subject behind us. Well fuck this was the same thing that (I thought) had already happened with Clint some weeks ago.
Then I found out that Clint had done the same thing with Sasha. Sasha told him to leave me alone and let me live my fucking life as well. But he can�t let it go.
On Wednesday, the day after the inquisition, Clint acted as if nothing has happened. He acted as if I would be happy about the way that he treated me. Well, I wasn�t happy about that. I�m still not. He betrayed me. He created some fucked up drama. He got into my business and he didn�t even have the fucking guts to address his concerns directly with me. He had to pull Craig and Sasha into the picture. Fucking whimp. He got Craig to accompany him, so that they could gang up on me and attack me from both sides. And his mislead me. Asked me to dinner under the premise of trying a new restaurant and having a great time�and then throw this shit up in my face AGAIN. And neither of them even offered to buy my dinner. I felt like it was the least they could do. Is that silly of me? Perhaps. But it was the least they could do � and they didn�t. I drove us all to the restaurant, so I couldn�t escape. I was stuck there with them, in agony, wanting (more than anything) to just be away from them. I had so much anger; I didn�t know what to do with myself. All I wanted was to leave. We paid the bill and I dropped them off at Craig�s home. I left immediately. I have not spoken to Clint since then.
I attempted to write him an e-mail, expressing my feelings � but I decided that THAT would be just as whimpy as his little fucked up drama. I decided, instead, that I wanted to speak with him in person. I left him a voicemail Wednesday night, asking him to come over so we could talk in person. I wanted to talk with him as soon as possible. He called me back as I was walking out the door that evening. We agreed to talk but we didn�t set up a time to do so. Now tomorrow night is a surprise birthday for his boyfriend, Matt. Sasha is throwing the party at his place. I�m invited, sure. But I don�t really feel much like going. Not until I speak with Clint and I don�t see him making the time to do so now. It�s Friday afterall and this is the time that he spends with Matt. No room or time for anyone else.
I am so angry.
So that was the first thing this week. The best thing to become of that whole inquisition was that it was a catalyst for Eltin and I to talk. When I got home on Tuesday night, Eltin called. He immediately knew there was something wrong. I didn�t want to talk about it over the phone. He came over and we sat down together and had our first really serious conversation about our relationship�etc., etc.
It was a great talk. I walked away with a better understanding of where he is and what our relationship means to him. He told me that he loves me. He told me a lot more about his girlfriend in Milan. I feel that he feels a great obligation to her � that he doesn�t want to hurt her and that telling her about me would destroy her. But he wanted to tell her. I feel that he has a deeper and stronger bond with me than her. I feel that he wants to be with only me�but that he is not ready just yet to address this with her. I am ok with that. He wants to be sensitive to her and her feelings. I appreciate this. He told me how difficult this is on him � that he has always been honest with me�but hasn�t been honest with her at all. He feels guilty on some level � but then again, he didn�t mean to fall in love with me. Yet, here we are. We agreed that we would talk more about such things � and just about everything. We agreed to have complete and total and honest communication with one another. The bond deepens. The love grows. We�ve spent every single night together, since he�s been back. I see the love and devotion in his eyes and in his actions. Wonderful, wonderful stuff.
On to the next subject, ok?
Yesterday was a fantastic day for me. My attorney called me to tell me that my soon-to-be-ex husband�s attorney contacted him and they have made an offer. Which means that I will not have to go to court, afterall � unless I didn�t agree with the offer. My court date was set for October 7 � just around the corner! I didn�t want to have to go to court to get divorced. It costs a lot of money � not to mention, it�s stressful and time-consuming. It has been a thorn in my side for a year now. Fuck. The offer was good and I agreed. The paperwork is being drawn up as we speak. I should be divorced in a matter of weeks. So � this was some really great news and made my week a lot happier. I went out with my friend Lisa last night and we celebrated. Met up with Eltin and the three of us celebrated again. He spent the night last night. We stayed up late, talking again. I found myself revealing all sorts of things to him � things I hadn�t shared yet. He had a lot of questions. I answered all of them completely and honestly. The bond deepens. The love grows. We made love and it was beautiful � I think, in part, because we had just shared so many intimate details and stories. What a great day and what a magical night.
I was on cloud nine.
That is, until I got to work this morning. I had an e-mail from my sister. She was writing to me about my son, Nico. I�ll cut and paste that e-mail from her to you here:
Michelle,
Hope all is well...Glad your divorce will be final soon.
Onto another matter..
I was on the phone with Nico last night for over an hour. He was crying the entire time. He as you know is at that hormonal age and is feeling lost about his identity. He was very upset about not being able to go to the movies with you 2 weeks ago. He knows you got into a wreck but feels like every time you have plans - or half plans, something always comes up. Honestly I think he feels second to everything else in your life. He is also still very bothered by the fact that he does not know who his father is. I explained to him that everyone grows up with some part missing. We too, had little to no father for the majority of our lives, Thomas does not know his father, and even kids with fathers may not have good ones. He said he feels like you don't love or care about him and that you have time for everything and everybody else in your life but him. He asked me what he did to you to make you not love him and why he means so little to you and Niff. Tough, hard words but I feel I have to tell you what is in his head.
He also feels like NOONE really likes/loves him. Everyone at school only like him for his looks and popularity....they don't really like him for him. He feels like if he was 300 lbs he would have no friends. He told me he feels like he has nothing of value inside of himself to offer to the world and is scared he will grow up to be a bad person. I explained to him that HE is in charge of his own destiny. He can grow up to be WHO and WHATEVER he wants. At his age there is nothing to stop him but himself. I told him he has got to get over feeling sorry for himself and realize there are kids in worse situations than him that come out on top to lead the world.
He also feels like he has zero control over his life---pretty normal for this age. I explained to him to enjoy his lack of responsibility now because when he gets older he will not enjoy all the responsibility that comes with it. Enjoy being a kid with no bills to pay and children to feed and try and concentrate on enjoying this time with your friends.
He also said he is worried about growing up and being angry like Thomas. He does not want to yell to get his way but feels like right now that is the only way people hear him is if he yells.
I wanted you to know how he is feeling. I told him you would want to know and that you do love and care for him. He asked that I tell you what he said he said when he calls you -you always have to let him go. Don't know if that is the case but that's how he feels.
I think it would mean a lot to him if you could make a point to call or see him at least once a week. Even if it's just to grab an ice cream or see his soccer game. I think he needs you consistently in his life right now. He still has a lot of teen years left with a lot of mental battles yet to come. I know it would help his esteem to feel your presence in any way on a consistent level.
Let me know your thoughts
T.
(Fuck, Carl. This is just awful. My son�s perception of me and of our relationship is hugely different than my own. I feel just awful today.) My response to her was:
I appreciate you sharing all of this with me. You have always been a great source of love & support for Nico (and for me) and I thank you for your candor.
I feel the same way sometimes that Nico does. I feel like we never have enough time together. There are many times that I want to do things with him and it seems that it is either his hectic schedule or mine that prevents us from spending more time together. But - that is my fault. I tend to contact mom, to check his schedule. So - alot of times, he doesn't even know (I'm guessing) that I am trying to see him. NO fault on anyone's part that we lead busy lives -but he should always know that I love him and want to be with him. He makes me so proud and I can never brag enough about how magnificent a person he is. I will make it a point to contact him directly, to do things - that way, he knows (regardless) that I DO want to be with him. I don't ever want him to feel less than extraordinary or less than loved. We all know what an incredible person that Nico is. I will make sure that he knows this alot more than I let him know now. My god, the time that he & I have together is precious to me. I feel like we have a terrific bond - and that he feels comfortable in trusting me with his inner most thoughts and feelings. That's why your words cut through me this morning. I really had no idea that he was feeling this way. I always tell Nico that he can tell me or ask me anything. I feel just awful.
I have lots to do now, to repair this.
Thank you Tami. For being such a beautiful person in Nico's life. I will call you in a bit to discuss further. I will call Nico as well later and see if we can spend some good, quality time alone.
I love you.
Michelle
Since I work in the same office as my mother, I walked over to talk with her immediately after sending that e-mail to my sister. She reassured me that Nico is very sensitive � and is going through the difficult teenage years. He is questioning everything and everyone in his life. She told me not to feel bad, just to have a talk with him. She also told me that she spoke with him as well last night. She reminded him that he is very loved and is very special. And that I do reach out to him and I do attempt to spend time with him. She told him that I made some difficult decisions in his best interest. She reminded him of a lot of things that he seemed to need to hear again. There was a lot more, but that is enough to write about all of that. So�today my bubble has been burst. I am no longer on cloud nine, thinking that every thing in my life is perfectly fine. I need to speak with my son.
Fuck.
One thing at a time. I remind myself that I am doing the best that I can and that I will continue to do so. I can not beat myself up for being a single mother and for having to make tough decisions.
I am going to try to focus on getting through this day in a positive manner � so that I can be upbeat and real with my son when we speak tonight. I want to reassure him and lay his fears and insecurities aside. I love him and I want him to know how much � and how extraordinary he truly is. I want to also share with him my insecurities. I want him to know how I question myself sometimes, worrying whether or not I am making the right decisions and doing the best that I can for him. I want this to be a chance for us to grow closer � not further apart.
Fuck.
Please send me some light & love�and some strength and some grace.
I pray that he hears me and understands me and that I am able to express myself in a way that he will know how much he truly means to me.
I love you.
Michelle
