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1:47 p.m. - Oct. 03, 2002
Strange weekend, speckled with moments of divine beauty: Part 4
Strange weekend, speckled with moments of divine beauty...

Part 4.

Saturday night, after the festival, I rode back with Brent (a friend of Philip's). Philip has been wanting me to meet Brent - oh, you'll dig him, you'll dig him, you'll dig him... And I did - based on the short span of time that I was able to hang with him.

Got back to the condo. Eltin walked in (with Sasha and Blake) a few minutes later. Man, he glared at me. He was NOT in the best mood...and it showed. He disappeared, once again, into the bedroom. He was exhausted. I felt him pushing me away. He didn't smile at me, he didn't hug me - he didn't uncross his arms so that I could wrap my arms around him. He told me what a beautiful night it was, with the moon, and that I should judt go and enjoy it.

Man, he really did NOT want to be near me.

Or ~ at least ~ that's the way that it appeared to me. I wasn't in much of a mood to party - or even to really socialize. But I'm in a house with a dozen other people. Whatcan I do? Well, I walked to the other side of the tennis courts and laid down alone, to study the night sky and ponder my situation. Complete and total confusion. I felt so lost and helpless and sad.

I walked back inside, to the bedroom where Eltin was. I figured that I should grab my bedding and find a different spot to lay my head that night. He was very much awake. And hewanted to talk.

Well - hallelujah to that!!!!

It was sometime in the early part of the wee hours of the morning - maybe 2 or 3AM. We took a nice long walk. We sat on a big flat rock. We discovered that it is always good to talk. Yes, he admitted that he had pushed me away a bit this weekend. Why? To test me a bit ~ to push me a bit ~ to see "what if." And he learned that I am not going to chase him. (Push me and I will back away). And he learned that we share that same stubborness. We walked back, arm-in-arm, smiling once again.

We made peace.

I was (and still am) somewhat puzzled by the way that he had (and continues) to act. Gemini rising? I would love to know if my theory is accurate.

Last weekend, upon my return from Seattle (without him), he was so excited and happy to see me. I did NOT imagine that! He told me how it was a good thing that he didn't go with me - because it made him realize how much I mean to him, how much he wants me in his like, and how much he misses me when we are apart.

But - now this.

I do not understand.

But I do have an inkling. He touched on it a bit and I feel it in him. He's struggling - struggling with feeling transient in his own life. He's been thinking about his future and where it will lead him - away from me and away from his friends here. His Visa will expire. He's going to Cameroon in January. The assignment, I thought, was to last three months there. But did I hear him say six months? Besides, after that, he'll be going back to Europe. Where is home? He's asked himself this very question. The answer he offered me was home is where his friends are. Well...???

Does he HAVE to leave? Does he want to leave? Is he wanting to return to Europe, to be with his OTHER girl?

So I feel as if he is pushing me away to make things easier (!!!???) for me - for him. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to hurt me. I tell him that it is too late. But that I am not afraid.

We live to love. And in love, we feel pain - whether it is an exqisite, overwhelming joy of love or the heartbreak of a love departed. But that pain is a part of life. To feel is to live. Which is why we all decided to come HERE in the first place. To live, to feel.

 

 

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