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12:41 p.m. - Oct. 08, 2002
Lost Soul (FOUND)
I have answers. I found them in my heart. Been spending a lot of time in silence - thinking.

I took two days off last week - enjoyed a nice, long, 4-day weekend. I needed it.

On Thursday, I went to the castle. Sasha was at work. I let myself in. He doesn't mind. I sat in front of his computer, after taking 10mg of Valium, and wrote for four hours straight.

I needed to.

On Friday, I sat on my front porch...and spewed forth the most beautiful, improvisational, emotional poetry. If I only had an audience :) Oh, but I did - my meows looked at me with love in their eyes. They knew.

The poetry came up from the deepest reaches of my soul - and I cried. Oh, how I cried. Not a care in the world that my neighbors (if they were home) would hear or see me, finding myself.

When my tears stopped, I sat down to catch my breath...and I said out loud, "Sasha, I need you. I need you Sasha."

And the phone rang. At that exact instant. And it was Sasha. He was in his car, with Blake. They were calling me from the new speakerphone they had just installed. And I vented like a mad woman, "You heard me. You heard me." And, as I explained to him, I heard Blake say, "Let's go over..."

But I wanted out of my house. So I met Sasha at the castle and stayed there the rest of the day. And I had no more tears.

The sky was about to open up and Sasha really needed to mow his lawn. It's a very small backyard. I laughed and laughed as he ran as fast as he could, up and down and back and forth, trying to beat Mother Nature at her own race.

And it sprinkled. And he ran. And it rained. And he ran faster. And we laughed.

And - just as he finished the last strip of grass, the rain stopped.

And we laughed some more.

Sasha has a gentle way of saying things. Without judgment. He told me that when he and Philly broke up (and he immediately met & began dating Blake and then Philly moved back into the castle because of his health), he found himself singing the same cheesy 70s tune, over & over in his head, "Torn Between Two Lovers."

He realized that there was a reason he was singing it. He was singing it for himself, TO himself. He realized there was a reason that the song kept finding its way to his lips - he knew he had a decision to make.

And it was difficult. The most difficult decision he's probably made. But a good decision. He did not sacrifice himself or his happiness. he was true to himself and to his heart.

He still hurts over his break up with Philly. They were together for 11 years. He asked a sweet friend, "Will I ever stop missing him?" And his friend answered, "You don't NEED to stop missing him."

It's okay. It really is.

Little things. Little words overheard. Some spoken directly to me...others whispered from a distance or echoing from a song on the radio. All are meant for my ears to hear. The universe gives me signs - and some, not so subtle. In fact, some are SO perfect and so focused, right on the mark, that I have to laugh.

The universe has a sense of humor.

Others are more subtle.

Last night I celebrated my (official) divorce with the man that is in love with me - the man that is going to leave me for his girlfriend. Yea, he loves her too.

How in the fuck...how in the fuck...how in the FUCK is that possible? How in the FUCK does something like that happen? Why? How?

I do no understand.

But - as I wa saying - Last night I celebrated my (official) divorce with Eltin. I never showered yesterday. I was greasy and wrinkly and stinky - and all I wanted was CASUAL. So - we went to Rudz, for fish & chips and pints of beer.

When we pulled into the parking lot, and I opened the car door, there at my feet lay a lost soul. (My friend Jan does an art car every year. This next Art Car Parade her theme is Lost Souls. Her car will be covered in shoes - but only shoes that have been found, abandoned by their owners...on the side of the road or whatever). So...I opened the door and at my feet lay a single lost soul. Without hesitation and without explanation, I picked it up and placed it on the roof of the car. We continued inside for dinner.

After dinner, when we returned to the car, the shoe had moved (been moved?) but was still on the car - just in a different place on the car.

Hmmm. Ok. Not SO weird. (Thank you Tom Robbins)

We went to Cactus, to return the movie we had rented. Walked into the bookstore to browse for a bit. The first book that I stumbled upon was a book by Louise L. Hay - a spiritual advisor / writer. I've learned so much from her. I opened the book randomly and read.

The book consists of letters that people have written her - and her responses to them. I found myself reading the words that were written for me. I swallowed hard and tried not to cry right then and there.

(I'm paraphrasng here) "If you stay with someone that doesn't give you what you need - that doesn't complete you - then you are only blocking the way and closing the door on THE ONE that IS perfect for you."

Fuck, it hit me like a rock against the head. Only the rock was aimed at my heart...and it was softened with a gentle touch that is the gift of a beautiful writer. She has eyes that truly see.

As do I.

I know. I know now what I am to learn. I thought that I chose THIS to learn the capacity that my heart has, of loving without obligation and without expectation. And sure, I've learned those things as well. But it's something more than that. It really is.

It came to me last night, as I sat across the table from a self-described "bastard" of an Italian man.

I learned that Eltin is, in fact, not the greatest love of my life. I am the greatest love of my life. I am allowing him to treat me as second fiddle. I am choosing to accept this. But I do not choose this. So now that I have answers that I needed but didn't want, I am deciding what I wantto do with this. I am empowered. Now (finally!) here's the freaky part... After the finding the "Lost Soul" and after the bookstore experiece, we drove back to Eltin's. When we got out of the car, I picked up the shoe, the "Lost Soul" (it is a flip-flop) and the brand name on the shoe is...get this... Monkey Boy. No shit. I am Monkey Girl. All my friends know me as Monkey Girl. The symbolism of seeing Monkey Boy on a shoe (these shoes are made for walkin') directly outside the DOOR of Eltin's car...and the bit about closing the door in order for another door to open... Oh fuck.

 

 

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