3:35 p.m. - Oct. 09, 2002
Kiss me, Kismet
I've learned something in delving into the following question I posed to myself:
How can the greatest, deepest love you have ever known CHOOSE to leave - and leave you for someone else?
Well...the answer is plain & simple. He may be my greatest love, but I am certainly not his.
Then I sat in silence for a bit longer. And I listened to the rain. And I heard the sound of a train, passing in the distance. And I couldn't fathom the thought of drowning out these beautiful sounds with music - no matter how beautiful the music. So I sat there, in silence...and realized this truth.
But that is not the only thing I learned.
In focusing on the words GREATEST LOVE, I discovered that Eltin is, in fact, NOT the number one love of my life. I am the greatest love of my life.
And in learning this, I realized that I can not and will not and choose not to sacrifice myself...for anyone.
So - now that I have knowledge that I needed but didn't want...I am deciding what to do about it.
I am empowered.
And the fucking wild thing about learning this NOW is that I had someone come to me, asking for my help, to get through something eerily similar. She's writing a letter. She asked me to read it. She asked me for my input.
Together, we wrote the following letter (and it rings so true with what is going on with me). I now have two women in my life that are perfect mirrors. I have NEVER really had women in my life. Not like this. Hell, I am a damn man, for god's sake. I prefer and know and connect with men. I don't usually LIKE chicks.
But these two women are special. And they've come into my life for a reason. I am ready for them to be here.
So - here's the letter we wrote:
Here are more of my thoughts and/or concerns�
Yes, I am upset that she went to the ceremony. I can under stand why you wanted her there, but the primary reason that I�m upset is because you chose not to tell me. You made it out to be no big deal. It is a big deal and by you not telling me, it only makes me feel as if I cannot trust you. I feel that I must be �on guard� with you (as I mentioned last night) and I don�t want to be. She SAYS that she wants you out of her life but yet she�s still very involved in your life. You even stated to me, at some point, that you wanted her out of yours. You have said that the relationship with her was always in turmoil and not healthy for you. But I�m wondering�if you�re not sure if she�s pregnant, then you�re also not sure if she�ll be popping in and out of your life. Well, this is your choice just as much as it would be hers ~ right?
I know and I can understand you not hating your past girlfriends. But the key word here is PAST. They SHOULD be and remain in the PAST. Having Dee come back every month or so is not in the PAST. Is she really getting on with her married life?
I don�t hate all my ex-boyfriends. I don�t hate my ex-husband. But I also don�t choose to stay in contact with them. So, call me jealous. We all have �lost loves� that we won�t forget. But then someone comes along that makes us feel like you�ve never felt before�like you will never feel for anyone again. It�s a feeling of finding that something, or someone you�ve been missing your whole life. That someone that makes your heart beat and your knees weak. This love doesn�t fall stagnant, but grows each day. I don�t want to be the person that is satisfying you for the MOMENT , to get over the �last one.� I want to be the person who you look forward to seeing and being with. I want you to be head-over-heels for only ME. And if I�m not doing that for you, then I want you to find that with someone else.
I know you are going through a lot in your life right now, especially with this test coming up and whether you are going to be shipped out or not. I want you to take the time to get yourself together�and to figure out where all these �roads� lead. I�ll be there, if want me to be.
I feel that I am fairly open with you. But, you are NOT as open with me. This is not what I�m looking for. A relationship, to me, is to be open and honest with one another, whether it hurts or not. TRUST. Plain and simple. Trust and honesty, through both the good and the bad, we should be able to grow�together.
I need you to let your guard down with me. I need you to let me into your heart and give me the benefit (from now on) to trust me. Ican be very understanding. You should know this by now. I cannot accept anything less than being number one in a relationship. Being number two is not an option.
I need you to prove to me that I am in fact number one.
