1:40 p.m. - Nov. 15, 2002
In need of Sasha time...
How do you type the words that might symbolize a great big exhale? Not really a sigh, but a great big exhale.
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh
Fuck. I need a damn 'puter at home. Fried my freakin laptop and really, really need to write. Need to write a lot. Yea, sure, paper & oen works. But I find this typing so easy. Even thought I'm no typer. I'm a fast pecker though.
Had a really late night last night. And not such a good one either. No, wasn't partying. It could be that lovely.
I've been feeling some weirdness - because my loved Carl has fallen off the face of the earth...because my best friend Clint has been VERY distant for weeks now...because work and life has been so busy that I haven't had any Sasha time (I am in need of some Sasha time)
But also...also...I've been feeling some weirdness from Eltin. I KNOW that there is something behind his eyes. I KNOW that there is something just under the surface that is on his mind - and it is NOT all about how busy & stressful it is for him right now at work. Oh no, not at all. I KNOW...I have known...I keep asking him, all this week, "What's on your mind? Do you want to talk?" But he kept on insisting that there wasn't anything to talk about - that it was all just work-related.
Yea, well tell that to someone less sensitive. Tell that to a non-scorpio, buddy.
You may think you can hide. You may think that you can plaster on a happy face. You may think that you can hide behind that smiling, happy-go-lucky face.
But I know the truth.
There is SOMETHING.
Virgo, sweet Virgo. Virgos usually tend to take their time, processing...thinking about all the different angles, all the different ramifications of their actions, all the what-if's, all the possibilities of what might happen if this, that or the other were to happen. They tend to like to have all of the facts straight, layed out all nice...cover all their basis.
And then.
Only then.
Do they speak.
But I'll come back to that in a moment.
Last night I went to my mom's for a late birthday celebration. They had a BEAUTIFUL (and HUGE!) Tres Leches cake for me...all pink and white, with big-ass roses. It was adorable. My Poppy's son, Skip (and his wife, Karla...and her two children, Jake & Nikki) are in town, visiting. I've only had the opportunity to meet Skip once - years ago - and only in passing. Never met his wife or their children. They live in Sandwich, IL. They were at my mom's last night too. It was a really great time. Nice, nice folks - so down-to-earth, and so easy to talk with. Nice family. Went over around 8PM. Left around 11PM. Called Eltin as we said that we would get together, afterwards.
He was asleep. But he still wanted me to come over - and asked if I wanted to go out.
Go out.
Go out? It's 11PM...on a work night...and I am just leaving my mother's.
I don't know...no, not really...maybe...oh, I don't know...I don't think so...but I want to see you...do you want me to come over?
Sure yea, he wanted me to come over.
Be there in less than 20 minutes.
And I was.
He got a new PS2 game - Grand Theft Auto Vice something or other. My son loves it. I would've rather stayd in and watched him play this game than go out. I had a long, stressful work week (and still had one more day to go), plus I would just rather stay in and relax. He played his game. It was well after midnight. He got up to (I thought) go to the restroom. He came back fully clothed - jacket and shoes and all. ready to go.
I didn't want to go. he pushed. I gave in.
12:55AM and we are climbing into his car, headed downtown, to have a "five minute quick drink."
Don't know why we couldn't just stay at his place and finish drinking the bottle of wine I brought over. It was cold. I was tired. Already had 2 or 3 glasses of red wine. PLus 5 mg of valium. No excuses - I just enjoy it to take the edge off when life throws me a curve ball.
But ok - so we went downtown for a drink. Left the bar at 2AM and went back to his place.
Crawled into bed. He has not had any REAL smiles for me in days. Nope. No smiles for me. And when I enquire, he assures me that there is nothing wrong. But I know - I knew - I know there is something wrong.
(I have to back up again...to exlain something that happened on Wednesday night, after the concert)... Wednesday night, Eltin took me to the Beck / Flaming Lips show at Jones Hall. Lisa was also having a dinner party, at the same time. After the show, Eltin & I went back to his place - we were frozen solid from sitting inthe refrigerator that they call Jones Hall. A hot bath sounded better than anything. Eltin must've read my mind because he went to draw one. It was 11PM.
And my cell phone rang. How odd, so late on a weeknight. Didn't recognize the number. Answered anyway. Sexy male voice on the other line, wishing me a happy birthday. Damn, who was it? Voice sounded familiar. "You have no idea who this is - do you?" I replied, "Doug?" And his reply was, "No - my lips are much softer than his."
Hmmm.....
As he continued to talk, I figured it out. I had only met this guy once. Couldn't remember his name though. I guess in my haste...and in trying to compensate (OVER compensate) for my forgetfulness, I replied, "Oh! You're Lisa's sexy Chinese friend!"
Ok, I said it without thinking. Eltin was standing right in front of me. I squirmed. Did he just hear me? Oh yea, he heard me alright.
I didn't REALLY mean anything by it.
ok - now back to my story about last night...(or, should I say - this morning?) It's - what - 3AM now. Eltin brings up (three times) the (slipped) sexy Chinese man friend comment.
"That really bothered you, didn't it?" I continue by saying - You know, I didn't mean anything by it. I was just over-compensating for forgetting his name. You know my heart belongs to you. I'm just a flirt - that's all.
And it's true. And he knows it. And he agrees with me.
But...
But...
But this opens up the dialogue that really needed to come out. Just needed a catalyst.
So - Joseph (yes, I remember his name NOW) was, in a round-about way, a catlyst for the conversation that Eltin and I needed to have.
Eltin admitted that he was feeling jealous. But that his feelings of jealousy were wrong - because (and HE said this, not me) he has no right to be jealous.
It's true.
I didn't speak.
I let him talk, talk, talk.
More or less - these were his thoughts and his words:
He was jealous. Felt it was wrong of him to feel jealous because - afterall - he has a girlfriend in Milan. How can he feel jealous about anything that I do or say? How can he feel ok, asking me what I did last night - or any night - for that matter? He spoke more about HER last night than he ever has. They (Eltin and HER) both act as if everything is fine - but (he says) she KNOWS something is up. Calls go unreturned. She rings him and his phone is off. Because he is with me. He leaves me in a damn superstore, to hang out in the children's clothing section, so that he can call HER back - because she's already rang him 5 times that day. And that he's been juggling. And he doesn't want to juggle.
This. That. The other. More of this. More of that. More of the other. He spoke A LOT. I did not. He said a lot of things. He told me - again and again - that he loves me. That it hurts to love me. Butthat he loves me. That he can't help but love me. But yet it's difficult. He's hurting people (again - thse are still all of the thoughts andwords spewing forth from his mouth and head). He's hurting her. And me. And him. And her friends. And her family. And their friends. And he's juggling. And he doesn't wantto juggle. It's hard to juggle.
Silence.
I cannot speak.
I need to PROCESS. Damn, who's the Virgo here? Ok, role reversal. Unable to speak. Heart palpitations. Tiny quiet tears. It's dark and we're in bed - he doesn't see them, I'm sure. Still silence. He says that he needs me to say something. Anything.
The last thing he said to mewas that he didn't want to juggle anymore.
So I speak two words. Just two. No more are needed. I respond, "Then don't."
And he says this is not enough. He's done so much talking. I can not simply reply with two words.
But I did.
They were the right words because they were the words in my heart and the words that were my truth.
So I spoke them.
When he pushed, I gave him more. I gently took his face in my hands and got up real close - to look him deep in the eyes.
And I told him:
I love you. My heart belongs to you. But I cannot tell you what to do or what to think or what to feel. If I had it my way - I would have you all to myself. But I don't have you all to myself. And I don't want to leave you. I wantto stay with you as long as you want to stay with me.
We talked until we both had nothing more that we could coherently speak.
Maybe we got two hours of sleep. I dunno. Three maybe? Don't know. Woke up because the sun was so bright. It was 845AM. Dammit. I'm usually AT work at this hour!
Jump out of his bed, make espresso, write him a quick love note, throw on my clothes, brush my teeth...and GO TO WORK, LOOKING LIKE THIS. Oh well. had no time to change my clothes. Wore the same damn pants to work yesterday. Thank god I had an extra sweater in my car to wear. Thank god we're in "casual" work dress mode.
Made it - amazingly - into work by 930AM. Ok, I'm only 2.8 miles from work. Again - thank god!
And so how do I feel today?
Melancholy. Out of sorts. In of some thinking time. In need of some time alone.
But also - in need of some sasha time.
Wowee. Is that Sasha online!? Yes, it was.
I told him, "Im in need of some sahsa time."
(I've been writing this damn entry all day long - at work - in between the 500 million phones calls, e-mails, interruption, faxes and emergencies. Thank god it is 4:15PM Friday afternoon. Almost out of here.
Going over to the castle. Gonna get some Sasha time. With he and Blake...and Roger, too. They're makin' dinner (Peanut Chicken), I'm bringing over desserts and red wine...and we're gonna shoot some hoops and just hang out.
Ah, I needed that.
