1:21 p.m. - Dec. 18, 2002
thoughts
roller-coaster sometimes anti-social always feeling trying hard not to hide trying hard to stay alive and continue to live this life that i have chosen for myself what did i choose and why - who would know but me? i wake up every day i go to sleep every night and some days some times some moments seem longer larger bigger smaller more significant less significant more stressful less stressful more beautiful than others. i see the door i know it exists i can close it at any time and everything in my body says close it and go on honey go on you deserve nothing less so why do you settle and wait and wonder and ponder and hope - when there is no hope? no hope with him with this in this ~ this relationship of strangeness and beauty and divinity and mixed-up emotions mixed feelings ups and downs and good and bad. there always have been and always will be good and bad in all things yes and i know this and i embrace this. i do not hide and i do not run away i am so very much alive and happy and blessed to know that i am here and i am living this life and struggling and loving and learning and growing all along the way. wowee. but lately i feel the funk the funk that seeps into my face putting a less-than-a smile smile on my face the face that always smiles the face that is so happy and so full of life. but now right now a lot now lately i've been feeling the funk. gray mask gray cloud dark skies waiting for the storm waiting and watching it blow in and blow out and blow over me. run run fast and hard and free and go go go go go and go some more full speed ahead no time to wait all i do is wait i am always waiting always alone no not always but dammit it seems like i am always waiting for him on his shcedule his time his preference. can you squeeze me in today? will you call me this time? will she ring you five times on the day that is supposed to me mine? nothing is mine it is all borrowed. she is always with us. always. always always always with us. with you. she's yours. you are hers. i am mine. no one has any claim over me. free free free fress as a bird looking for the cage why can't i escape this self-defined self-prescribed place of torture within me within these walls within this home that lives inside of me - this most precious place why don't i protect it more with all that i've got why don't i stand up and walk out and walk away and leave that freakin note on your fucking door?
"love. is psychadelic. it always leads my body and my soul to a paradise" - Fantastic Plastic Machine
i can tell the world how to escape i can tell the world how to disappear i can tell the world how to run and how to hide and how to make it all go away.
But these things come easy to me. i'm an old pro.
yet now. now i am going to coax myself into an all-out treaty with my self. no more war. only art and love and a litte sadness that will heal and a heartbreak that will remind me always of what it is that i truly want.
i sacrifice all for nothing. growth is painful. and some things are so beautiful that they hurt.
So here i am - full of beautiful pain, in all my glory. standing on the edge. looking up and looking down, wondering which way to go and when to jump. i know that i will fly. i know that something incredible is waiting for me, calling me, becknong me. but am i ready? am i ready to let go of this....in search of that?
