3:18 p.m. - Dec. 20, 2002
The "almost" break-up
It's been an interesting time with Eltin and I this week.
I came very, very, very close to breaking up with him this week. Not because I don't want to be with him and not because I don't love him.
Ah, contrarire.
What kind of sense does this statement make...I was going to break up with him because I am in love with him and I want to spend my life with him.
Ok - if you know the whole story, you understand.
So, on Wednesday night, I found myself at a crossroads. Everything seemed to come to a head. I felt that I simply could not accept another day or moment, not having him all to myself, completely. He had just retunred from spending the Thanksgiving holiday with his family in Dublin. He was in town (a week?) and he was preparing to leave the country AGAIN (tomorrow actually) for the rest of the year. He's going to Milan...to be with HER. Am I destined to just ACCEPT that every holiday, all of his vacation time, birthdays and every other special freakin occassion in his life will be spent with HER!?
Oh, I was at a crossroads, indeed.
I stood in front of the mirror in my bath, staring deeply into my own eyes, preparing myself for...the moment of truth. I gave myself one hell of a pep talk too.
Michelle, you are beautiful and talented and funny and adventurous and so full of life. You are talented and loving and generous and good. You are fucking amazing and incredible and YOU deserve the very fucking best. Any man should feel blessed to have you in his life. You deserve to be THE only one.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
So then I found myself, somehow, on my knees. Yes, there in the bathroom, on the ucky hairy bathroom floor, praying. (I can't remember the last time that I prayed on my knees.) And I found myself asking God...ASKING...
God, if you have an extra angel hangin' around, in need of a little extra project...could you send them my way for just a few hours? I could really use an arm around me, to help me. I want to do the right thing. I need to do the right thing.
I took a deep breath and started for the door.
But, before I could unlock the front door, a tiny sweet thought jumped out at me. Didn't really scream at me...but it made itself known to me, in a very clear way.
Pop's necklace. I simply HAD to have it with me. I ran upstairs and collected it. It is a very heavy, thick, solid piece of silver - a cross that was made by James Avery in the 70s. My grandfather wore it frequently, although he was Jewish. It is not a traditional-looking cross. It resembles a big starburst...or sun rays. After he passed away, this necklace was gifted to me by my mother. I never wear crosses or crucifixes. I do not consider myself Christian. I kept this cross upstairs, in my loft, hanging near my bed. But on this night, Wednesday, I was drawn to wearing it. It just felt right. It was God's way, I believe, for my angel to wrap its arms around me.
So, with this special token of stength around my neck, I drove to Eltin's.
Fuck, he knew right away. I could see it in his eyes. I could feel it all in his body. There was no mistaking that he KNEW there was something up...and something about to go down.
We went to dinner and it was lovely...although I felt ill to my stomach all evening. Had nice conversation, nothing BIG and nothing HEAVY. Went back to his place. Sat on his bed. I could see the look in his eyes. I felt that he knew.
I tried to speak and found myself without words. I was stumbling. And I was crying. He told me, "Go ahead. Speak. What is it?" I again saw the look on his face. It was pain and it was softness and it was vulnerability, all wrapped up in one beautiful package, staring back at me, waiting for me to find the words.
But somewhere along the way, I decided that I just didn't want to do it. I didn't want to break it off with him. Something keeps telling me to "just wait" and allow it to unfold. WHY!? Fucking WHY!? Can't I just walk away...and let him go...and close that door...and begin to heal...and hope that a greater love is looking for me? One that can and will and wants to commit to me - and only me!?
In between tears, the words slowly began to trickle out. "I came here with the intention of telling you that I can never see you again. I am deeply in love with you. You are the greatest love of my life and I know that I want to spend my life with you."
I told him everything. I held nothing back.
(to be continued...)
