9:45 a.m. - Jul. 02, 2003
Correspondence: Four Days (Part 2)
Monday, June 30th
Correspondence: Four Days (Part 2)
Simulataneous to my correspondence with Sasha, I had "discussions" (via e-mail) with my girl, Lisa...
Lisa writes:
"hey girl!! how's it going?? do I even have to ask....?
so, once you have returned to the daily grind and hum drum reality of the rest of the world...I have something awesome to tell you....it has to do with lounging for a week on a yacht in the Bahamas sometime in August.....so mark your calendars...we're there!!
oh, ok, I can't resist......the father of a freind of a friend OWNS an island in the Bahamas and a yaht as well. So, they are going to go play for 2 weeks in the Bahamas....wanna go for 1 week???"
I responded:
"Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss! holy shit - are you >kidding!???? Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which week, which week? Do tell!
Eltin has a beard! Holy shit. He has a beard! He looks like a nobel, seafaring man. Freaky. And the hair is SO dark red. Wowee. I cut his hair - thank god! Sex, sex, sex.....yes. All weekend long. Had a wonderful time, yes.
But there is something in my heart - a feeling I cannot quite shake. It's freakin me out a bit. I cannot deny it.
From Africa, he wrote and called so much - even telling me that he loves me, over the phone (something he has never done) and writing me long, beautiful loving letters. Yes. But...all weekend long he didn't once say how he loves me. Not once. I'm thinking that - hey, we've been apart for 4 1/2 months and we're just now being reunited....and I could hardly
wait to look into his eyes and tell him. And I did. On Sunday afternoon. He
smiled huge, wrapped his arms tightly around me and squeezed me hard....but
he didn't say, "I love you, too." No. And - he didn't talk much.
And I found out that he was in Dublin in April. No, he didn't tell me - I found out. He usually always writes the date and place of where he purchases a book, in the front of that book. I was in the bathroom and he had a new book. I was curious so I looked - and in it said, "Dublin, April 2003." And so then I thought that he was probably with Lizette....and then I thought that he might have been able to fly to Dublin - or Europe - a few times while out in Africa.
And on Sunday, I woke up and he was not in bed with me. He woke up before me...and had showered and dressed and was checking on some things - his car and and his motorbike, out in the parking lot...and I noticed that he took his little black phone book with him. Whenever he calls Liz, he brings this book. Has all of his long distance international calling card numbers, etc. in it. So I think he snuck out, to call her.
So reality is setting in.
I think she is still very much involved in his life...and that his lack of words may be a sign that he has plans already, of returning to her...if not just for a vacation, then for good.
He was really quiet and tight-lipped.
AND...he doesn't HAVE to return to work until Thursday of this week - or not at all (not quite sure)....but he didn't ask me to take any more time off, so we could do anything together. No. I mean - I know he's got loads to do, to enter back into this life - car stuff, insurance, bills, errands, etc. but still. You know!???? This is a holiday week - and the anniversary of the Boogie - and the anniversary of the 1st time he told me that he loves me. This is an anniversary in my heart. And I thought it would be the same in his. Instead, he asked me...so what patriotic thing do you have planned for the 4th of July? I told him that it was the aniversary of the boogie. Thought maybe he'd have something more to
say but he didn't. That was when he mentioned that he didn't have to return to work and that perhaps he will go somewhere for a few days. All I could
think about was - HEY WHAT ABOUT ME? What about us!????
Obviously, we are not on equal playing fields.
My love for him is deeper and more committed that his love for me. And
well I suppose it is the way that it is because he is still in love with her and nothing has really changed.
Fuck.
I am very sensitive this morning.
He has no idea of these feelings I have. No idea.
Therapy sounds comforting.
So does a vacation on a yacht in the Bahamas."
Lisa and I then met for lunch, a bit later. We talked and talked and talked...or rather...we vented, vented, vented. It was really very good. At times, each of us would be shaking, our bottom lips quivering...in pain and in a realization of our own personal truths.
Her "story" with Alex seems to be similar.
We shared our pain in sisterhood.
Wow, I have a girl friend.
