10:11 a.m. - Jul. 02, 2003
Correspondence: Four days (Part 4)
Tuesday, July 1st
Correspondence with my girl, Lisa continues...
In response to her Monday e-mail where she wrote, "I'm just tired of the struggle"
I responded:
"Well then ~ we'll just need to be strong for each other. I am here for you. And I thank you, for being here, for me.
Eltin is currently without a phone - cell phone or home phone. It was disconnected while he was in Africa, because he couldn't pay his bill via phone with his Amex. So he's in the process of having it reactivated ~ might be back on today but really I think it will be tomorrow, what he said. Anyways - when I left work yesterday, I had already had the same sort of conversation with Sasha (via e-mail) that I had had with you. And I was feeling as if I wanted to be inaccessible to Eltin - and busy. Because when I left his apt. Monday morning, and as I was saying goodbye, I said that I had no way of reaching him, since he didn't have a phone. But he didn't offer any thing - as in...hey, I am without a phone but I'd love to see you...why don't you come by this evening? But no - I guess he just assumed that I would be available and that I would be at his beck and call.
So I worked til 6PM. Sasha called and invited me over. The three of us (with Blake) all had a nice dinner at the castle...and, of course, had lots to talk about. They helped me think through things that I had been struggling with. They helped me realize that going through the pain and the hurt IS worth it....because there IS something...someone...a match out there for me. But I can't meet that person or go down that path...until I close this door.
I stopped by OC - after work - before going over to the castle. I had one Chimay. ___ was working. You know my cell phone (hell - everyone's cell phones) don't always pick up a signal in parts of the hood...and yes, some times at the OC I cannot get a signal. My phone beeped that I had a v-mail but I never heard the phone ring. It was Eltin. He was calling because, "I need your help. I need you to jump start my car. And to see what you're doing for dinner."
Ah, yes. So he needs me to do something for him. Of course he's calling because he needs something. It was almost 7 fucking PM. His first call to me all day long. He didn't seem to make any effort UNTIL he needed something. Ok so I leisurely finished my beer and my conversation with the Police sargeant that was seated next to me. Exchanged a few words with Quasim. Spoke to Sasha on the phone again, briefly. Contemplated what I might want to do.
Well gee - I already HAD plans. And I had no way of calling him back, anyways. I tried the number he was calling from, to no avail - it was a pay phone that wasn't able to accept incoming calls.
So I went to the castle and hung out with the boys. We watched HGTV for hours.
I left my purse (with my cell phone in it) downstairs. We were upstairs. Perhaps - in the back of my mind - I did this on purpose. Ok yea maybe. My phone rang again. I didn't hear it. Sasha did. It was Eltin again and he left me a v-mail. This time he sounded freaked out. He knows something is up. His message was, "Michelle, it's almost 10PM. And I'm just wondering what you're doing for dinner. Ok well. I hope you're ok." And that was that.
I went home shortly thereafter - yes I considered driving over to his apt., to "check in with him." But I didn't. I was tired. I have done enough. I am not at his beck and call. I do not drop everything and run to him. If he wanted to see me, he would make more effort. If it really mattered, he would've made plans or at least said SOMETHING before I left his apt. Monday morning. I even said to him, "I could always come back for lunch..." But he didn't even respond to this! Not a fucking peep. So then I said, "Or maybe not." And STILL he didn't say a word. So I left.
Last night, at home, just a bit after 10PM...it was difficult. I have spent more time at his apt. than my own home, for the past month. I just spent 4 days inside his apt. with him. So - reality hit me hard. Not bad...just different. When reality knocks, what the hell do you do? You can't say, "Hold on ~ I'm coming. Give me a moment."
Nope.
Don't know why but I found myself in my bathroom ~ for a bit of time. Just sitting there. In my bathroom. I felt as if I wanted to hide. The bath is the inner most room of my home. I closed the door. I don't have to close the door. I sat there, studying my reflection in the mirror...looking deep into my own eyes. I did not cry. I did not feel like crying. I felt like screaming.
After a bit of time, I think this feeling passed. I fell into bed sometime around 11:30PM. I couldn't fucking sleep. I tossed and turned and tossed and turned til almost 1AM. Not too bad, really.
And so here I am. Another day.
David Tong called me yesterday, as well - just before I left work. Something about him having a barbeque party this weekend - maybe Friday or Saturday - still working out the details. Didn't ask about Eltin - if he was back. Not sure if he knows. Doesn't matter. Yes, I would love to go to the party...and I offered my help, with anythnig that he might need.
Ironic.
Fourth of July. Independence. Freedom. Funny. The universe has a sense of humor.
I am gathering my strength."
