10:19 a.m. - Jul. 02, 2003
words from a girl
Tuesday, July 1st
I also reached out to Ed. This is a bit uncharacteristic of me, to be reaching out in a time of weakness. I tend to shut everyone out...and hole up in my internal bubble for quiet solitude while I gather my strength.
Yesterday, late afternoon, I wrote:
(Subject line: words from a girl)
�I wanted to write you a letter�betray how I feel�� - Prayer Boat
Ed,
Here I am, writing a letter that has been on my mind for days now. I am not seeking a response; I wish only to express myself to you, in gratitude.
In a sleepy state of mind, words fell from my lips. I didn�t exactly understand, 100%, even when those words escaped my lips how very much more the words meant. Now�only now do I realize that they hold an even deeper meaning to me�which is the reason for my letter.
Oftentimes, I have had feelings of regret, for not saying to people words and thoughts and feelings that I wanted to share with them, only to discover years later that I wish I could turn back time, to tell them.
So here I am.
Ok, so�I told you some time back that you had come into my life at a really good time. Yes. And that perhaps I wouldn�t have appreciated you as much at an earlier time. I didn�t realize then how very true these words would be today. I had no way of knowing. Perhaps it was an inner voice speaking those words. Perhaps they were words that I needed to speak�and digest�and dissect�and wonder, myself, why I spoke such things.
You came into my life at the perfect time, Ed. Without knowing it. Hell, I didn�t even (not exactly) know it. Not until very recently. Not fully. I feel that all things happen for a reason. I feel the reason you came into my life at this exact time was to remind me of things I had forgotten. Things I very much needed to be reminded.
So thank you, Ed, for kissing me that evening in Stuka. Thank you, Ed, for sharing your last three weeks in Houston, with me. Thank you, Ed, for making me feel wonderful. You brought to my life a sweet reminder that it is all worth it � the struggles, the trials, the celebrations�and the opportunities to reach out and discover new things and new truths. And old truths too, yes.
Eltin is back. He arrived last week, Thursday. I spent a month preparing his apartment, making things as perfect as I could, for his return ~ and for our reunion. In the four and a half months that he was gone, I had a lot of time to think ~ to think about what it is that I want�in life and in love. Ultimately, I want a partner, someone to share my life with, someone that is available to me. I wondered if Eltin would (or even could) be that person. I wondered if things had changed between him and his �other� girlfriend. I began to think (or perhaps to convince myself) that things had changed�and that he was ready to commit to a relationship with me ~ one that does not include her. Because his actions (from afar) seemed to prove these things to me.
He wrote to me many, many times � long, beautiful, loving letters. And he called me on several occasions. And he professed his love to me and spoke things to me he had never before spoken. So yes, I started to believe that something had changed. The only thing left was for him to return ~ so that I could look into his eyes when he spoke these words and professed these things to me � in person.
Funny. It took me four and a half months to realize what it is that I truly wanted�and a mere four days to realize that he will not be the one to make those things happen for me.
You helped me to realize�or to remember�that I am worth it. You made me feel sexy and alive�young and vivacious�creative and spontaneous�fun and exciting. You made me feel wanted and special. I am. So are you. You instilled in me a new sense of hope � of hope for something truly beautiful and special with someone.
In those three short weeks with you, Ed�you treated me with more regard and more respect and more care than I think Eltin ever will. And what did you owe me�what did you expect out of me�? Nothing. No agenda. No expectation. That is truly a beautiful thing. You treated me with respect and offered me a friendship. Even knowing that you would be leaving soon�and that what we shared would only be short-term�even so�you showed me glimpses of what it is that I want and need and deserve.
So�.
Thank you.
In gratitude,
Michelle
