4:03 p.m. - Nov. 17, 2003
Great faith in new beginnings
Let me tell you how BAD and how thoroughly it sucks to celebrate your birthday in bed ALONE, sick...in a delirious state of fever. Yea, full on body aches too.
That's right. I spent my 35th birthday having a pity party for one...
And in a way...in a strange, divine way...I think it was a blessing. A sign. A way of FORCING me to slow down...to stop long enough to re-focus on some things.
The really important things.
Like...LIVING this life. And not simply EXISTING in it.
And so last night I told him. Blurted it out, actually. Surprised to hear how clearly and strongly the words were, when they crossed my lips.
"I want a commitment."
Wow. Eyes bright with wonder. Was that me, saying that? Yes. Yes, it was.
"I want a committed relationship."
Silence.
And I don't think you are able or willing to offer me that.
And I stood my ground. And I did not falter. I spoke my truth slowly, completely, kindly...and with full intent. I looked him in the eyes.
We've been "together" for a year and a half.
I deserve...I want...a full-time, committed relationship, a partnership.
We sat there in the dark, in my car, for an hour and a half. He tried to question me, my intention. He wants to remain status quo, he admits it. He is relatively happy HERE, in limbo, he admits. He dooesn't want to break it off with her or me.
I explained the same things that I have explained before. He tried to convince me of many things.
But I have heard it all before.
Words are shit.
Speak with your actions.
But I know it is already too late. It has been too late for too long now. I have tried and I have faltered before, when trying to end this. Because I held on to some silly hope.
Not so silly.
Idealist hopes. I fooled myself. A bit.
But I spoke my truth. I have great faith.
I went home and opened up a new book. A new journal. I dedicated it to myself.
One day at a time now. One day at a time.
