8:59 a.m. - Nov. 21, 2003
Moving forward
Now that I am beginning to really feel again...all the pain, yes...all the anger, yes...but also all the hope and promise of joy and deep happiness...yes...
I realize only now how dead I have been. I have fallen once again into a small death.
I want to live, to love, to dance again. I want to enchant strangers again with my boundless energy.
I want to make art with my hands that amazes me. "Where the fuck did THAT come from!???"
But I am not quite there yet. No.
Knowing that I am not there and knowing that I want to be there again and knowing what I have to do - more or less - to get there...well, it is a start. Some sort of beginning on an endless journey of always going somewhere...
I need a few things: MUSIC is at the top of the list, right after time. I need time to heal, yes. But I also need time to have fun. Music injected into this quiet body of mine...yes, that will help. Jump start me again.
Yes, quiet body of mine. My body is not quiet, normally. But it is quiet today. It has been quiet for some time.
It is a good sign, indeed, that I am recognizing others...parallel universe. Does any of this make sense?
My life force has been SUCKED and I have fallen.
This is not me.
Only a shadow of a lesser me.
I want to be big and happy and shiny again. Oh and I will be.
But first...
I am processing anger. I am processing hurt. I am processing pain. And I will not falter. I will not dwell.
I will take the lesson. I will take the lesson with me. But I won't look back.
