8:39 a.m. - Jan. 21, 2004
Counseling 101
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
When I checked email from work today, I was most surprised to see that I had a BOOK of an email from Sasha, all about the troubles that he is having in his heart, over Blake.
Yes, Blake is hot�and he�s a really nice guy�and yes, he�s lots of fun�and yes, you have built this comfortable lifestyle that works out alright. But, does that fulfill you? Does he complete you? Are you happy and fulfilled? Is he what you are looking for, in a life partner?
You have told me that you want your partner to be your best friend, your confidant and lover. You want a monogamous relationship with a deep level of commitment, someone that shares your love of being a couple of homebodies. You want someone that shares your passion for creating a beautiful home, not someone that sees these things as chores.
I say, take a chance, man. Have faith that all things work out the way that they are meant to work out�and that the universe always provides what it is that we need. You are an amazing man, Sasha ~ honest, sensitive, wicked intelligent, a good provider, loyal, funny, creative�and you�ve built a great life. You have a lot to offer the world. You will find what it is that you need ~ you will. But�you can�t expect to meet THE ONE if you are caught-up in another relationship�if you aren�t really available.
You have to shut the door, baby. You have to shut the door.
I don�t offer unsolicited advice. I�ve been seeing and watching and processing�but, I�ve kept my mouth shut. It isn�t my life�and it isn�t my place to stand up and tell you that you need to move on. All things happen the way they are meant to happen�all things in due time. The universe provided you with Blake�and he was what you needed at the time�he�s been good for you. But if he does not and cannot ever offer you what it is that you need to fulfill you, then it is probably best if you let him go�so that you can both have the opportunity to have your needs fulfilled.
Sounds simple on paper.
(Intermission)
Sasha just left. He brought over dinner. We smoked and ate�and talked. We talked about he & Blake�but, also Philly.
Philly�s been in the hospital again, for another two weeks, with pneumonia�and other complications (which I swore were signs that he had CMV, Cytomegalovirus)�but the doctors said he tested negative. Just the same�his T-cells have dropped to a dangerously low count of less than 50. He�s been having severe headaches, high fever, double vision, and temporary blindness. He is sometimes incapable of speaking ~ he says he knows that he wants to form the words�and that he knows what he wants to say�he�s just incapable of getting the words out of his mouth. It is as if he has forgotten how to speak. It�s scary ~ sometimes, it sounds as if he�s had a stroke�and, other times, it sounds as if he has CMV.
What it is�really�is that Philly has full blown AIDS. For years, he has denied the illness, refusing at times, that AIDS even existed. He refused treatment. He refused the medications. He kept this dark secret from everyone (except Sasha) for three years. It wasn�t until Philly came close to death last year, that he allowed Sasha to tell anyone.
We all know now.
Philly�s family may or may not know. I think they may have figured it out on their own, although I don�t think Philly told them, directly.
My prediction, from some months back, may just come true. Sasha spoke the words tonight�the thoughts that I had�that he �can see� he & Blake breaking up, Philly moving into the castle, and Sasha caring for him.
Then, one of two things will happen: Philly doesn�t get better (Sasha actually told me that he doesn�t think Philly will be with us much longer�) or Philly gets better and then Sasha has to tell him that he doesn�t want to be his life partner. And the same heartache that he suffered, when they broke up this last time (before Sasha & Blake met) will be re-visited.
I told Sasha that he has to stop feeling responsible for other people�s feelings�that he has to stop not living his life just because it upsets other people. That�s no way to live.
He says he hasn�t made a final decision yet, whether to ask Blake to move out or not�but I can see in his eyes, that he has. Maybe he doesn�t know it yet, himself. Or�maybe he does already know.
