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4:54 a.m. - Sept. 22, 2004
deception
wireless at home...never thought it possible. This from a girl that has never owned a computer...a girl without a television or a stereo. Yet, here I am...in bed, typing in my journal...a completely new thing for me.

I am a spy. I hacked into Ian's computer, to snoop. Well, not exactly hacked. He saves all of his passwords. I went through the internet journal, to see the places he has visited recently. I came across some porn (big deal) and old letters he wrote to his last girlfriend, Noura ~ the one that destroyed him...like Eltin destroyed me.

I thought ~ these are old letters. I need not take it to heart. This is all a part of him and his life and his past. I have no right to snoop. But I snooped...until I found something.

Innocuos, really, for the most part. Well, most of it, anyways. I am not justifying his actions. He deceived me. When he left Jordan in December, he led me to believe that it was over between he & Noura. Yet, there were letters he wrote her, in January and in February, professing his unwavering love to her.

He wrote her quite a stirring letter just a few days before he met me, although that is not what he lead me to believe, when we started to date. He had given me the impression, when we met, that she had been out of his life and out of his heart alot longer than that.

Again, I thought...this is old news and it really shouldn't bother me. Yet I kept snooping...and again, I found more stuff I didn't want to see, but yet...there it was and I was reading it. Every word of it.

I came across a letter he wrote to her in March, after we had been together for two months, in love, and professing our love...and desire to be monogamous. Yet his letter to her, in March, he wrote to her while he was with me. He was in Kuwait, on assignment. The letter to her was a fucking novelette...opening with, "My dearest Noura" and ending with "Love Always." And in this letter, he told her that thinking of her was the brightest part of his day.

When I read this, I checked the date...again and again, thinking that NO WAY I , read that correctly...that NO WAY did he write her those words.

So I snooped some more. And I found that he had archived Yahoo IM's, between the two of them, less than a week ago. Now, granted this last exchange between the two of them was fairly inocuous, but...BUT I had asked him if he had any contact with her...only days before. He looked me in the eyes and said no, over and over again. NO. No way. He hadn't had contact with her in ages.

In his IM, he said something about how he knew how she liked to curl up on the sofa, therefore, she would love the new wireless he has in his home. HIS home. He has never once referred to our home as his home. And why is he referencing some intimate memory of her, curled up on the sofa?

But really...really...what really got me was the fact that he lied to me. To my face. In my eyes.

I understand keeping in touch or exchanging some news, every now and again, with past loves. But, if it means nothinhg to him, then why did he hide it from me and why did he lie to me about it?

He is in NC as I type this. Left on Monday morning, for work. I leave for NYC tomorrow morning. I was shaking and sick to my fucking stomach, ill...physically ill.

I wrote him without thinking and without hesitation. I told him what I did, I told him what I found, I told him how I felt and I demanded answers.

We talked on the phone for over an hour. Our only fight.

I never thought, in a million years, that he would deceive me...or lie to me...or keep things from me.

I can't say that my trust in him is completely shattered, but it is broken. I have been sick to my stomach ever since. And fucking dehydrated too, because nothing comes out of my body solid...if you know what I mean. Goddamn diarrhea since last night. I could drink a fucking swimming pool.

Ian flies up to NYC tomorrow night, to join me. I have work to do until Thursday evening. Then we'll be meeting up with his parents and his sisters. My first opportunity to meet everyone, in person.

An interesting twist.

 

 

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