10:56 p.m. - Feb. 24, 2005
Begin the journey
I am processing. I am processing this sickness & madness. It will leave my body. As soon as I choose to let it go. I will get past this. I will get through this. This process is necessary. Where there is darkness there is also light. I will walk out of the shadows, towards the beautiful light again. But right now, I embrace this time and this process. Not that I am celebrating it, but I am not shying away from the things that I simply must process and make peace with.
I know the truth. I cannot ever expect to change anyone's past. The past cannot be erased. It wil always be there. I know this. I can see what it is that I am doing and I wil not allow it to fester. I am taking steps. I am on the road. The wheels are in motion.
I have an appointment with Gina on Saturday, at noon. I called her on my way home from work. She returned my call just as I was walking in the door. First available appointment.
After my session with Gina, I have a 90-minute hot stone masage scheduled. Actually, Nikki scheduled it for me. God love her. I mentioned that I wanted to treat myself to a spa treatment of any kind and she took care of all the details. In fact, she set the appointment for me, only (noty herself, to join me) without telling me (until after-the-fact) that she won't be receiving any services because the spa simply doesn't allow children. So she quietly took care of all of the arangements. Because she knows. She knows how much I need this.
And because she loves me.
I told her last night that I now understand why, cosmically, she came back int my life. If it wasn't for Nikki, I do not know where I would be right now. I would be festering and feeding the poison, that's where I would be. But Nikki has an amazing ability of changing my perspective. She has helped me to look at things from a different view, which has helped me to realize that I do ned to "do the work." So, to Gina I go, to do the work again.
It cannot wait.
Funny thing, when Gina called me back, she told me that she had been thinking of me all week. I admitted that I had been thinking of calling her for an appointment all week. Confirmation from the universe. I don't want to get any further away from my beautiful inner peace and self-love than I am right nhow. I do not want to question myself or my worth.
It is dificult for me to accept where I am right now. But putting this to paper and bringing these thoughts, fears, doubts it into THIS PLACE of expressing...well, it is another step. One step of many.
My favorite quote sings in my ear. The same quote I've held, all these years. It is simple and so true, especially in this moment.
"A journey of a thousand miles bgins with a single step." - Lao Tzu
