11:40 p.m. - Mar. 01, 2005
Clear Connection
Today was a good day.
No.
Today was a blessing.
Ok, every day is a blessing. But today, in particular...today was a day of great blessings.
Truths have been heard. Always spoken, yes. Not always heard. We don't always choose to hear. But lately. In this time of flux. I have heard. I have seen. The truth jumped out at me from the mirror. I spoke my truth before Gina saw it. This was the first time this has ever happened. Usually, she guides me. This time, I could feel her in the mirror with me, more as a participant, in my ride. She was with me, beside me, walking with me. It was in this moment that the truth jumped out at me with such clarity that it shocked me. I heard myself almost screeching with delight, as I raised my voice in excitement, exclaiming, "That's it, Gina! That's it! I see it so clearly now!" She looked at me with just as much amazement in her eyes as I felt in that moment. And I told her. The connection.
There was a blockage. I am in Flux. There is more work to be done. But my appointment today had to be rescheduled, because Gina has a cold. Thing is ~ I have been seeing her since 2001 and she has never had less than a perfect bill of health. Not a cold, not a virus, not the flu, not the stomach crud�nothing.
She sounded awful. She had actually cancelled her morning appointments, thinking she would rest and feel better in the afternoon.
All things happen for a reason. On my way into work this morning, before Gina called, I found myself thinking, �I need to call Gina and ask her if I should go ahead with my appointment today if I am still very much in flux?�
She says she agrees that this extra time to process will be good, that it sounded like I could use more time�
So, in my final day (so it goes) of flux, I found myself entering into a conversation I have been afraid of having�a conversation I�ve need so badly to have. It has been making me sick, for weeks. I lost 4 lbs. the first week Ian was gone. I fed the madness, the poison. I made it worse, by empowering it. And by holding on to it.
But this insight came to me only today. Allow me to back up a bit�
When I called Gina to schedule my first appointment in many months, I admitted that I had been thinking about it all week. She said she understood now why I had been on her mind all week. That�s how it works. I called to schedule the appointment and I had a mission. I �knew� what I was going to work on, I �knew� I would leave in flux. I �knew� that it was Ian that I would be forgiving, in the mirror. And yet�
The amazing thing is I didn�t know, when I walked in that door, what was going to happen and where we would go. Yet, it was me that found the way. The connection.
Checking my body for truth, I was a bit surprised�perplexed, really�when I tested negative for any blockages that relate to Ian. I am clear. But I wasn�t clear. I was discouraged when we discovered that it was Eltin. Again. Exhaling in frustration and impatience, I exclaimed, �But we�ve already worked on all that!� I felt like I was taking 10 steps back. But I wasn�t. And I didn�t.
Sometimes, you have to take a step back, in order to move forward. Why does this phrase keep finding its way here?
So, there I was�in the mirror again�with Eltin, again. Not a place I wanted to be. And I couldn�t think of anything. For the longest time, I stared at him in my eye and I looked deeply with an open mind. And I found nothing. So we started at the beginning of our relationship. Our first date. And then suddenly I felt myself in a state of near rage. I felt the veins in my neck bulging hard to fill with blood as my chest heaved with the satisfaction of finally recognizing that I could finally express to someone my anger�at our first date. My hands & arms are flailing at this point. I am almost yelling again. �He was always late. Always fucking late! I felt he didn�t respect me. I hated it. He was always fucking late!�
And she asked the question that made sense to ask. A question that has gone unanswered to my friends and to my family. She asked me why. Why was he late? What was he doing?
And then I told her. I told her about his essential tremors. How he hated to shake and twitch, that it was humiliating to him. None of his friends knew. He hid it from everyone. But I knew. He took medication which required he not eat for an hour and which sometimes took two hours before the tremors would fully subside. I hated that he hid it. I hated that he was always late WITH ME because I wanted to know all of him and I wanted to share all things with him, not just the perfect times when he wasn�t shaking.
And then the connection jumped out at me.
Ian has not shared with me things that I need so desperately for him to share with me. I need to know the whole story. I need to know the end of the story. I need to make peace with it ~ and I want to make peace with it ~ but, before I can, I need to HEAR IT. All of it. Ian�s not wanting to share this with me ~ this pain and this fucking heart ache ~ revisit it all with me so I have the satisfaction of knowing�well, it is a painful pattern that is glaring at me to take note and to learn what it is that I am to learn�
The men in my life feel safe, sharing with me.
The men in my life are not afraid of intimacy.
And then Ian called. And I found myself entering into a conversation I have been afraid of having. And in the middle of the day, on a beautiful, crip, sunshiny day, I walked outside and we talked for over an hour.
And he did disclose. He actually offered more than I expected or hoped. It was a great talk. He later sent me an e-mail, saying, "I enjoyed our talk - it felt good." And I was so fucking happy because I know how painful it was for him to tell me all of those things and to go back THERE for me. A place he never wanted to revisit.
I asked him to please consider doing one thing. And he didn't even have to answer me. But, if he would consider "deleting her" from his lfe. A process of purging. I no longer want her in this house. I see her pictures, her notes, your notes, her address. I don't want her in my life. I want her where she belongs. In the past.
And tonight, I noticed he deleted everything from his hotmail account. I'm looking forward to him cleaning this damn computer, too. I could clean it. Do a damn good job, too. But, this is his. His moment to purge. When he is ready. I admitted to him that I had sat down and gone through all my old letters between Eltin and I. And I read them. And I delt with it. And when I was done feeling that, I deleted it. All of it. No trace remains.
