4:03 p.m. - Mar. 05, 2014
Candy: The very beginning
Her name was Candy. And she was the only woman I was ever in love with. Yet, at the age of sixteen, when we met, we were hardly women. Everything about our love was real, genuine, easy, comfortable. Probably because we were fast-friends, from our very first meeting.
I had recently moved back to Texas, Suburbia, after living in other States, with my family, for the past six years. I transferred into the school sometime in the midst of my Sophomore year. I didn't know anyone when I walked into that school.
My English teacher, perhaps recognizing this, sat me next to Candy, the most socially-outgoing person in the class, presumably, for me to feel more welcome and at-ease.
By end of that same week, Candy invited me to spend the night and we were instant, best friends.
We were inseparable that school year and, over the Summer, we became even closer. We spent every single day and just about every single evening together, with or without various other boyfriends we each dated. We showered together, dressed together, slept together, ate together, dated together...everything. She always had boyfriends and so did I.
Our Junior year, we continued as best-friends. Yes, by this time, I felt something...something towards her...but, nothing I was willing to admit to myself, much less her. I loved her. She was my best friend. End of story.
It wasn't until the evening before our last day of school, Junior year, that it all changed.
We decided to dye my hair. As with all things, she was helping me. Afterwards, when we applied the conditioning treatment, she was stroking my hair, overly-dramatic, in a funny way, saying, "Ooooh, it's sooooooo soft!" and then just giggle and tease me. We found ourselves laughing & giggling, half-wrestling, throwing each other around as we did. She brushed my breast by accident but I called her out on it, laughing, grabbling back at her breast. Then we were wrestling again and laughing and...then...time came to stop. All time and space and life and sound and everything everywhere ever all came to a quiet standstill while we looked into each other's eyes for an instant...and kissed.
And kissed.
And kissed.
With reckless abandon, we fell into and out of each other's arms, no regrets, no worries, no thoughts of anything but this moment of perfection. This moment that was perfect.
It was perfect.
Alone, without the eyes of the world upon us, it was perfect. Then, in that moment, before the generational, inherited guilt set in, it was perfect. And even those years after our discovery, and after the misguided shame became an anthem, and even when I faltered, our love, in that time, was perfect. Because, in memories, everything can be as you want. In my memories, you will always remain as you were to me then ~ Candy, my Candy, my crazy, vivacious, over-the-top, tiny, petite, strong-willed, wild child, barefoot & braless, on a bike path, peddling along, with me on your handlebars.
I love you so much. And I miss you still. My heart hurts with some regret I never knew until now, so very many years later, no longer able to express them to you in any way except in my thoughts, prayers and dreams.
