11:20 a.m. - July 13, 2001
In a state of flux...
In a state of flux.
Ok, I�m in flux. I am not perfect. I�m sensitive and I�ve had a difficult morning. I had an argument with my husband, over the same old shit we always argue about. He makes a commitment to do something � anything. And, then doesn�t carry through.
Dishes. Yard work. Laundry. Errands. Yoga.
Integrity. Integrity of word and of action. This is as important to me as honesty.
If you say something, mean it. Mean what you say. Or else, don�t say it. If you say you�re going to do something, then do it. Else, don�t commit to it. If you want to sleep late on Saturday, sit on the sofa and drink beer all day, then do it. I want to be happy and I want you to be happy. We all need a break and we all deserve to take one. I am not a drill sergeant and I am not a neat freak. In fact, some people call me a downright slob. J I cannot deny it. At times I am disorganized, sloppy, and even lazy. But, I try very hard to not make commitments that I will not fulfill. I�m not perfect. I fall. I disappoint people sometimes. But, I try. I really, really try. I have made a conscious decision and commitment to myself (and the universe) to not say things that I do not mean.
SO � If you want to sit in the study and play Driver II all night, then please just do that. But please don�t tell me that you are going to clean the kitchen, wash the laundry, re-build the dog houses, mow the lawn, plant some beds, go to the store, visit Herman, finally fix the counter top at Philly & Sasha�s, make dinner, take the cats to the vet, run to Whole Foods, and write a novel about the conspiracies & injustices that the government has committed, along with the alien race that is already living among us.
A little side note - I�m not sure at what point you, the reader, will realize that I am a Scorpio, true-to-form. Scorpios can be very intense and have a tendency to overwhelm people. And, we can strike out with a vicious tongue.
With that said, allow me to continue.
The morning started with me stumbling out of bed and walking out into the JUNGLE (I think that it used to be a backyard) to feed the birds and dogs. Mojo (our male Blue Healer) immediately jumped up on me and scratched me. Ouch. Welcome to the morning. Then I step on an old branch and scrape the hell out of my foot. Welcome to morning. I walked back inside and maneuvered through the war zone (I think that it used to be a kitchen) and shook my head in disgust. (The kitchen is a horrible mess � the same mess that he said he would clean up three nights ago) Then, I hear Walter yelling from the shower, �Can you do me a favor!?��And I let out a BIG sigh. Then, he tells me I�m a grumpy grouch � which, by the way, doesn�t help the way I am feeling THUS FAR at all. I wanted to have a good morning, the beginning of a great day � it is, after all, Friday
A little side note � My husband, Walter and I write each other a lot of little love notes. We hide them in each other�s clothes or leave them in special places, like under each other�s pillow. Little notes like, �Have a great day � I love you!�
Well, this morning, as Walter was walking out the door, I stopped to say goodbye. We had friction between us. I saw his �love� note. It simply said, �Don�t be grumpy or mean in the morning.�
No, �I love you.� No, �Have a great day.� No little hearts or happy faces. Welcome to morning. So I picked up his note and placed it in the trash. He called out, �Goodbye� and I did the same.
Then, I thought about it. I went and picked his note out of the trash and wrote him a short reply, �Instead of telling me what to do and how to feel, why don�t you try to figure out what it is that you need to be doing?�
Welcome to morning.
And I went to work. And I e-mailed my bestest friend in the whole world, and told him all about my rough morning. Then he came by my desk, and I repeated a good portion of the story to him. (Yes, he had to hear it twice). And, he ran from my desk, waving his hands frantically, trying to push all of the negative energy away. And I tried to tell him that I just needed to vent. To get it out, so I can let it all go�and move forward. Afterall, we are each other�s sounding board. We share everything � the good, the bad, and the ugly. We lean on each other, and we support each other. But, he didn�t want to hear it. He didn�t want to get sucked into my ugly morning. I don�t really blame him BUT I felt a little put out because DARLING, I listen to you when you have ugly moments. I listen to you. I don�t shoo you away because I would rather not be bothered. So, my feelings are a bit hurt. I need you sometimes as much as you sometimes need me. I�ll recover. I�m in flux.
Very, very sensitive. Tread lightly.
