7:03 p.m. - Mar. 8, 2002
The Future of Love
The Future of Love
Numb again � and feeling very alone. While I was in New York, I didn�t hear from Adam for two full days. I left messages for him, but he didn�t return my calls. I know what that means � same as last time � a change of plans. He cancelled our weekend plans. In my heart of hearts, I understand - I really do. He sent a very eloquent, very sweet and completely reassuring e-mail this morning. He explained that he needed to work on some things � mainly, he needs to resolve some shit with his ex wife and his ex girlfriend. All stuff that he needs to do�and things that I completely encourage him to do. Still, I can�t help but feel like I am on the outside, looking in. Call it ego, because that is what it is. My soul knows the truth. I KNOW that there is nothing that I can do to help him facilitate the changes in his life. I know that there is nothing that I can do to help him heal. I know that this is something that he must do for himself. But, I will do what I can and that is to stand by him, love him, support him, and be patient. I surrender. Whatever happens is meant to happen.
Last weekend, while I was in FLL, I gave Adam my copy of The Future of Love. This is the book that changed a whole lot of things for me; it caused me to look at the way that I viewed and defined my life and my happiness. This was my big wake-up book. This was the book that helped me see that my marriage wasn�t fulfilling. It was the book that showed me the truth � the truth that I was preventing myself from achieving happiness and true joy. It was a scary (and yet exciting) time in my life. It was the �jumping off� point. I was standing on the cusp of many great life changes and it was a scary fucking place to be.
No, I didn�t read some fucking book that told me to leave my husband in order to be happy. What this book did was point out to me all of the things that I so desperately wanted, that I so desperately NEEDED from him � things that he refused to give me, things that he thought were silly or unimportant. Well, they were important to me - and they were ignored.
(If I scream, will you hear me?)
I remember the first time that I began to realize that my marriage wasn�t going to work. What a scary fucking moment. I remember trying to tell the little voice inside me to SHUT UP, that I could somehow make it work. But I knew, even then, that I couldn�t do it alone � and I WAS doing it alone (or at least attempting to). I learned what I could and couldn�t say, I learned what I could and couldn�t do - I learned the great eggshell walk. But, walking on eggshells is not where I wanted to be the rest of my life. I wanted happiness. That�s all that I have ever wanted � happiness.
What does it take to be truly happy? For me, happiness was in truth. So simple really � just TRUTH. I wanted so desperately to be able to share with my husband all of the things that were important to me, all of my truths - but he laughed at me, he judged me, and he made me feel small. I slowly, quietly began to die inside, unable to embrace or express the entire person that I was. He didn�t want to know the real me - he wanted only to see the person that he wanted to see, the person that he wanted me to be.
These are my battle scars, my wings, my living proof that I truly am here, doing what I came to do � to live, to try, to fail, to learn � to love, to hurt, to quest after personal truth and true happiness.
So, when Adam says that he needs to work some things out, MY GOD, I will SO celebrate this. I will set aside my own ego, embrace the beauty of knowing that he will find his way, and be excited for him on his path. Whatever happens, I surrender.
