5:01 p.m. - Mar. 12, 2002
Diagnosis #1
Complete and total exhaustion today - in my bones and behind my eyes. I could fall asleep standing up today, if I stopped long enough. The thing that kept me going today was knowing that my honey will be here tomorrow morning. Looking forward to taking a vacation day on Thursday, to sleep in, be with Adam, and visit Philly.
The test results are in � Philly definitely has PCP Pneumonia. This is both good news (according to Sasha) and bad news (according to Philly). Sasha sent out an e-mail to Wig, announcing the diagnosis as if it were some kind of victory. However, I know that Philly doesn�t see it as necessarily a victory � and I�m not sure if I do either. Yes, it�s good to have answers � but this wasn�t what we were hoping to hear. Although his condition is stable right now, Philly hasn�t gotten any better - and he�s been taking the preferred medication for this type of Pneumonia for days, without results. The good news is his weight gain (6 lbs. since he was admitted last Wednesday night). Another bit of good news is that Philly isn�t having any of the adverse side effects that so many people have on this medication. The bad news is of course that this is the Pneumonia that kills so many people with HIV / AIDS � and Philly is still getting fever, daily. It seems to come more regularly and last longer.
It is anticipated that Philly will have to remain in the hospital for at least another week � longer, if he doesn�t remain stable. More tests have been done, including additional x-rays, and those results will be in tomorrow. They�re trying to determine if he has any other type of Pneumonia or virus, etc., on top of what he already has.
I�ve decided not to go to the hospital tonight. I�m so exhausted. It�s exhausting to put on a brave, happy face all the time. Besides, I haven�t been sleeping very well and it is catching up with me.
Gotta get to bed early tonight, so I can pick up Adam at 8:15 tomorrow morning. I just called him � just wanted to hear his voice. He�s on his way to rehearsal. He told me that everything�s gonna be alright, that I need to rest and take some time for myself and �No writing. I mean it.� He knows me so well; I just had to laugh. I admitted that I had already been writing � but at least I started early in the evening � so I won�t be up until all hours of the night, putting words on page.
Is there no obsession sweeter than writing? Sometimes it is the only thing that keeps �sane.�
