10:21 a.m. - Nov. 01, 2002
Back and forth: Oct 30
(This was actually written Oct 30, excerpts from an e-mail to my sweet, Carl)
Oh I feel so lost today. And I feel a bit guilty too � which makes me also feel torn�and confused. I should NOT feel guilty and I know this.
I am still seeing Eltin � and we�ve been together for almost 6 months now. He professes his love to me, but yet I see the writing on the wall. He chooses HER. And yes, she has a name. Her name is Lizette. She lives in Milan and they�ve been together for 3 years. He loves her, too. I do not understand how someone can be in love with two people at the same time. But I have never been in that situation. Maybe it is possible. He tells me that it is difficult and exhausting. But yet, we continue. He leaves for Cameroon, Africa in January � he�ll be gone for 5 months, I believe. While he is there, his American Visa will expire. I believe that they are in the process of renewing it for another three years. But still � his plans are to return to Europe. Why? Because he loves her. So again, he chooses her. Does he want to stay? Does he want me to go with him? These are questions that he doesn�t answer with words � but with his actions. I told him that I could leave him at any time � that I didn�t HAVE to stay with him - but that I choose to stay with him because I love him.
Yet there is no hope of any kind of future with him. He cannot and will not commit to only me. He keeps her. When he was with her, in Europe, for those 3 weeks in September, he didn�t tell her about me. So again, he chooses her.
And I allow it.
Why don�t I just leave him�close this door�allow the next door to open? Why don�t I walk away from this and find hope that there really is someone that can commit themselves to only me? I�m not talking marriage. But a commitment should be one of the heart, from the heart, of the soul, from the soul. It should not be a piece of paper � a legal document. But still� I want a man that can and will commit himself to me and only me. I deserve a man that puts me first. I�m a special woman. I don�t mean to sound conceited, I�m not � but, I am special. And I have a lot to offer. So why do I settle for this man that is in love with someone else?
These are all questions I am asking myself.
So � here is my predicament. One of my dearest and closest friends, Steve / Sasha has a friend, Doug. They�ve been friends for 8 years. They�re both Engineers and they met on a project they were both assigned to, in California. Doug lives in Calgary, Canada and is a citizen of that country. He came to Houston last week, Friday, for the Halloween party @ the castle. I met him in the bathroom, while I was having liquid latex applied to my body.
Imagine � I�m standing there in nothing more than a bikini bottom and pasties over my nipples. A young man (whom I have just met, Ron) is on the floor, between my legs, painting me. Then I hear a new voice in the house and it�s Doug � this person that Sasha tells me is one of his favorite people in the whole world.
Doug walks into the room where we are and introduces himself � he makes eye contact with me�and continues to speak to ME � not my ass, not my tits�but ME. First thing I notice is that he is drop-dead gorgeous. But I�m not attracted to people based solely on looks. I�m attracted more to a person�s spirit.
Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.
I finish having my body painted. I am applying face paint and Doug asks if he can share the bathroom mirror with me, to apply his costume / makeup. He�s dressing as a Vampire. I end up doing his makeup. We end up flirting and having great conversations throughout the evening. Eltin shows up, late. I dance. Everyone watches me. Great party. Eltin and I decide to leave, sometime after midnight. He�s downstairs, saying his goodbyes�and I am upstairs, saying mine.
We converted Sasha�s huge-ass bedroom into a mini-theatre, for viewing Fractals. Not only is there a King-sized bed�but also two little loveseats (couches), a big comfy chair and a rug on the floor. There are a half dozen people on the loveseat, with their backs to the people that are on the bed (the loveseat has been placed in front of the bed). Just trying to paint the picture for you. Ok so�
Sasha is lying on the bed�along with Doug and Blake and Roger and all of the cats and the dog. It is one big love nest. I sat down on the edge of the bed, to say my goodbyes. Doug asked me not to go. Asked me why I was leaving. Knew that I didn�t want to go. Saw it in my eyes. But I had a commitment and I take my commitments seriously�so I "HAD" to go.
Much to my (delightful) surprise, he kissed me. And I didn�t resist. I kissed him back. And it was gooooooooooooooood. But I still left.
I spent the night over @ Eltin�s. On Saturday, Eltin and I went to brunch together. After brunch he said that he had �things to do.� So I dropped him off at his place and went directly back over to the castle, to see Doug. I have my own key and I let myself in. But nobody was home. So I wrote Doug a note and left it on his suitcase. And I left another note for Sasha. Then, as I was walking out the door, they all returned�and asked me to stay�(which I did.)
Hung out there for a few hours, until it was time to take my son to the Incubus concert. (Damn, we rocked out, too!) After the concert, I promised to call & see Eltin, which I did. But � as I was on my way over to his place � I literally ran into Doug. Believe it. At the corner store. He asked me to join him back at the castle, to watch a movie. But again, I had other commitments. So I spent the night again at Eltin�s. And on Sunday, Eltin and I went to brunch again. And again, afterwards, he said that he had �things to do� and so again I dropped him off at his home and again went directly over to the castle. I spent all of Sunday there, talking with Doug. In fact, we crawled up on Sasha�s bed and had a really great, intimate conversation � about life, love, spirituality, children, marriage, divorce, the future, the past�.
Ah, it was lovely.
Ate dinner over there and then heard from Eltin. We were supposed to get together on Sunday afternoon, around 4PM. But he never called � nor did I. When we finally did speak, it was 6PM or so. I met him at his place, around 830PM.
Back and forth, back and forth � I feel like a cheat. But I am not a cheat. First of all � I didn�t do anything WRONG. And, besides, Eltin already has two fucking girlfriends, if you want to call me his girlfriend. He does.
Can you feel my frustration?
On Sunday, when I was saying my goodbyes to Doug, I asked him if he wanted to go to dinner with me on Monday night (his last night here) and he accepted.
There was a HUGE torrential downpour / storm�complete with flooded streets, thunder & lightning. But he wasn�t late. He showed up, soaking wet, with a smile on his face for me � and a nice bottle of Australian Shiraz. I had just made espresso and offered him some. We sat and had espresso, while watching the storm. Then we had a glass of wine and sat and watched the storm. The storm didn�t let up. So we ordered Thai food to go and went and picked it up. We finished that bottle of wine while sharing some great conversation. It was a lovely evening.
Then he asked me (quite casually), �Do you mind if I crash here?� meaning, could he spend the night. At first I replied, �I don�t know..� But then, a few moments later, I told him that I prefer that he did NOT stay�only because I wanted to have something to look forward to, with him. He assured me that he did not mean HAVE SEX�he just wanted to stay the night with me�that it would be nice to lay in each other�s arms. I told him that, to me, SLEEPING (in itself) is an intimate act. And � although I would love to be intimate with him � that I was in no hurry. I didn�t feel any rush. So � a bit after midnight � he left. Gave me a sweet kiss goodbye.
His flight back to Calgary was this morning (Tuesday morning). I sent him an e-mail, when I get to work�which he should receive at work, tomorrow, when he returns.
But�but�before Doug arrived at my place, Eltin called me. He seemed non-committal�not really asking me out, not really inviting me over�he just asked, �Do you want to call me later?� And I said, �Yes.�
But I didn�t call him because Doug ended up staying so late.
This morning I saw Eltin online so I sent him an instant message. Here�s how that conversation went:
I said:
good morning!
He said:
morn'
He said:
did u fall asleep?
I said:
didn't you?
He said:
you said you'd call
He said:
did you fall alseep?
He said:
or forget?
I said:
sorry - I got distracted. I should've called.
I said:
can i make it up to you, tonight?
He said:
tonight I got an engagement
I said:
Ah
�and that was the end of our �conversation.� My heart sank. I felt so bad. (I�ve now been writing this letter all day, off & on, in between doing my normal work at work.) I don�t feel AS Bad as I did this morning, when I first starting writing this letter.
It just helps to put it all down on paper.
So now it is almost 7PM on Tuesday night. I�m still at work because I wanted to finish this crazy, detailed letter. No Internet access at home, ya know.
