9:27 a.m. - Jul. 02, 2003
Correspondence: Four Days
Monday, June 30th
After 4 1/2 months in W. Africa, Eltin and I were reunited last week, Thursday. I took 2 days off vacation and we spent 4 days together, alone, in his apartment, without telling our circle of friends that he was back. He had sent me the key to his apartment one month prior to his return...and I spent the majority of that month preparing his place for a special love weekend - cleaning, organizing, shopping, decorating...with candles, and fine chocolates, red wine, champagne, bubble baths, massage oils, lots of new toys and music and DVDs...had his new computer shipped to me at work, had friends help me move it to his place...and set it all up...
Much anticipation over his return. Big hopes, too...because of all the phone calls and long, beautiful letters and all of the words he spoke.
I am beginning to think now that he just had a bit of African fever.
Back in the office on Monday...uncharacteristically quiet...
Sasha writes to me:
"i hope your weekend was excellent...."
And my response:
"Weekend was wonderful...and not so wonderful...and good...and not so good....no, it was great....except for reality. And for the feelings in my heart. Today I am feeling blue...had moments of blue all day yesterday too. I have a feeling in my heart that I cannot shake. I am listening to my heart and my instincts. And I don't know much else yet...other than I am a fucking beautiful person...ok, perhaps a bit different and maybe even a bit bold and definitely a bit weird...but I am intelligent and creative and good natured and patient and a good person...I am honest and delightful and fun-lovng...I am loyal...I am a fan-fucking-tastic person...any man should be blessed to have me as his mate...and, if they don't...well, then they don't fucking deserve me...
I just don't know yet. Nothing he said or did. Just a feeling inside me. You know how sensitive I am. Not many people do - but I AM very sensitive. And I have a feeling that I just cannot shake."
And, in his beautiful Sasha way, he responded:
"sweetness, your heart is talking and you are listening. GOOD! listen listen listen. i suspect your brain is talking too. you need to listen to your brain just as much, if not more when it comes to this situation.
my guess is you were hoping he would say something when he arrived. something about a change in his heart, that he wants to be with you forever. there is a reason you didn't do it. because you didin't want to. because he didn't say what you hoped you would hear.
as much as all this hurts, YOU ARE ONTO SOMETHING. you are over being taken advantage of. you are over waiting. i think you are kind of over eltin. run with it, girl, no matter how much it hurts, because its what you have to do. you have to not give in and not give any more of yourself. maybe its time to say, "eltin. this is it. yes or no? and if you won't answer, then its "no" " then end it.
i know how much you are hurting inside. i've been there. recently. one side says "go back" the other side says the opposite. you've come to a realization. i came to that realization too and as hard as it was i am glad i did it (yes, i made it through the rain -- barry manillow).
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! you deserve someone who will give you everything you give them. someone who is DEDICATED to you. you do deserve it michelle. and you are such a beautiful wonderful fun awesome loving person that it will happen to you. without a doubt.
if you decide it is time, then release him. with lots of love and tears. i will be there for you. and so will lots of other people."
