12:03 p.m. - Feb. 19, 2005
feeling better
Today is better. Yesterday, I was tired all day and all night, but I still had difficulty falling asleep. After satisfying my need to rummage, dig & snoop to the point of making myself sick, I made peace with my madness, crawled into bed and masturbated.
I slept for 8 hours and awoke to a quiet house filled with sunshine and the patter of little cat feet. Coco greeted me in bed, with a swish of her tail on my arm. Cleo called to us, from behind the other side of the door, in the living room. What do we call this room, the tv room?
Before waking, I found myself half-awake, dreaming of Gatorade. I must be dehydrated. I ate a single piece of toast yesterday. This morning, already I feel better. My inner voice is telling me to relax and to trust again.
I read an old letter I wrote to Ian, while he was in Kuwait & Iraq for those 3 � months last year. The letter closed with, �Baby, I have faith. I have deep faith in us.� I feel as if I was meant to read those words last night. They were meant for me, a reminder I desperately need right now.
Thing is, I know this is right. I do. But yet, because of my own insecurities and because I feel threatened, I make myself sick and I sabotage this beautiful thing that we share. I love our home and our plans for the future. I know that you are my partner. We are going to have a baby together. We are going to spend the rest of our lives together. I trust and I believe in you, Ian. I hate that I am so jealous and insecure at times. I must make peace with this. I cannot change and I cannot erase the past. Not mine, not anyone�s. The past will always be there. I wouldn�t change mine ~ it has made me the person that I am today. My past has brought me to today. And today is beautiful�
