12:53 p.m. - Feb. 17, 2002
Silence
Sunday. Beautiful day outside. Crappy feeling inside me. Just can't seem to shake it.
Friday night, I called Adam. He was just walking in the door and had his hands full. Said he would call me back after he got settled, but he never did. That makes twice (three times?) this week.
All this week I have felt like he is so far away. Distracted. But, we hadn't really talked a whole lot this week, so I don't even know what's going on with him. Saturday morning I woke up and just had a bad feeling. Something unsettling had settled into my heart. Something unexplainable. I almost picked up the phone to ask Adam if he still wanted me to fly out there to see him. But, instead, I just got up, got dressed, and headed out the door. That was 11am. Still no phone call from him.
The baby shower that my sister was hosting didn't start until 1pm. I decided to just head over there early. I painted on a smile and played a good role.
When the guests had all left and we had cleaned up everything, I decided to call home and check my voicemail. Just a hunch. I was getting ready to leave for the airport in about an hour. Again, that unsettling feeling that I just couldn't shake.
When I called home, there was a vmail from Adam, saying that he was having some drama with Nora (his ex wife) and her boyfriend. Said he needed to cancel our plans for the weekend and apologized that it was such late notice.
I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I just knew it. I hung up the phone and just sat there, outside my sister's place, shaking my head. A sadness had found its way into my heart.
His message said for me to call him when I got the message. I debated on whether or not to call him right then. Without much hesitation, I dialed his number. I knew that he would be at work, but I wanted him to know that I got the message. It rang a couple of times, he answered, and I could tell he was busy at work. Asked if he could call me back in ten minutes. Yeah, sure.
But, I just didn't want to sit there, surrounded by my family, knowing that I have a heavy heart. I didn't want to have to explain to them that Adam had cancelled on me at the last minute. I didn't feel like sharing that disappointment with them. I wanted to be alone.
So, I grabbed all of my stuff, said my goodbyes, and headed out, as if I was heading for the airport. They all told me to have fun.
I drove away but didn't feel like going home. I thought about driving. Just driving. Anywhere. I thought about calling Philly, I thought about driving to Galveston, I thought about crawling into bed and wallowing.
I ended up at Brasil. Sitting there, surrounded by psychotic Circus art was somehow comforting to me. I had some herbal tea and did some writing, facing the wall, my back to everyone. Wasn't feeling social, but I guess I figured my being there (instead of at home, alone) was somehow healthier for me.
When my writing was complete, I went home. There was a message from Adam. He had called me back at my sister's, but I had already left. He sounded flustered. Said that he hoped that I would call him that evening. I picked up the phone and called him. I got his vmail and left a message. Then I called Philly. Got his vmail and left him a message. Told Philly what happened and how I was feeling. Told him that I could use some company and that I could really stand to have some of his sweetness. Within an hour, Philly called me back. As we were talking, he told me that he was on his way over. He knocked on my door a few minutes later.
We went and bought a DVD to watch on the wall. A great little comedy called Election. Got some food. Smoked. It was just what I needed. Hadn't heard back frm Adam. So, on my way out the door (on the way to Philly's) I left Adam yet another message.
I got home at almost 1am. No messages from Adam.
Woke up this morning with an even deeper sadness in my heart. What the hell is going on? Why hasn't he called me? Why hasn't he returned any of my phone calls? This is just too weird.
Called him a few times today. Left a vmail or two. No call back. Had to get out of the house. Went to the park outside the Menil. Sat under the same tree that I always sit under. Layed in the sun. Watched people & their dogs come and go. Watched a family have a picnic together. Watched lovers on the lawn, rubbing each other's backs and whispering sweet things to one another.
Went home. No messages from Adam.
Need answers. Need something. Anything. Just give me a word. Is it anything to do with me...with us? Or, am I just being too sensitive or paranoid? Ran to the office, to see if there was an e-mail from him. There was. He sent it right after he called me to cancel our plans. He addressed the e-mail, "Beloved" and ended it with "Much love to you" but it really didn't make me feel much better. So, I answered his e-mail. Asked him if everything was alright. Sent him my love and support. Told him I was freaked out that I hadn't heard from him.
Called him from work. Couldn't leave a vmail for him. Guess his box is full. Called home. No messages.
Triple dosing myself with the Rescue Remedy and trying to remind myself of the TRUTH. The truth that I KNOW. I know. I know. I know. To stress over the things that you have no control over is just a waste of time and energy. There is nothing that I can do except what I am already doing. Loving him, supporting him, and sending it all out to him.
