10:22 a.m. - Jul. 02, 2003
there's no greater power than the power of...
I didn�t hear from Eltin all day yesterday. After work, I picked up my son and we went to the OC for dinner�and we spent a couple of hours in Half Price Books. I got back home around 10:30PM. I was tired. I crawled into bed with my journal and a book. I was drifting off to sleep just a bit after midnight when the phone rang. It was Eltin. He had secured a new cell phone yesterday. He was pissy with me�actually WHINING! Said that he was calling to �get it off of his chest.� Wondered why I left in such a hurry on Monday morning (I didn�t), and why I took all of my stuff�wondering if I had no intention of ever returning (bullshit ~ I took my clothes and shoes and toiletries because I need them for work�and I don�t live there in his apartment, so I shouldn�t really keep any of my stuff over there�and besides, I left a whole slew of shit over there because I couldn�t carry it all and he didn�t offer to help). And he asked when I planned on calling him (uh�maybe when you get a fucking phone). When I tried to speak, in my own fucking defense�but more than that, I wanting to fucking tell him that it is NOT all about him�he interrupted me and told me that I didn�t need to explain. I yelled back, �I want to say something!� I told him that I had no way of calling him because he didn�t have a phone�and that when I was leaving his apt. Monday morning, I reminded him this, thinking he would say something (fucking anything) as a ways to either make plans to see each other again or to at least speak again�but he said nothing. And when I offered to come back for lunch, he said nothing�and when I said ok maybe I won�t come back for lunch, he again had nothing to say. I had to get to work so I left. Whine, whine, whine. And I had trouble understanding him � he had been out drinking with Mauro. Oh, now I see. So he�s toying with me. He feels bad so he�s trying to make me feel bad. Trying to point the finger at me. He feels bad so he�s trying to make me feel guilty. He said that he wasn�t going to call me�but that he couldn�t resist. Said he was lonely�that he was all alone in his apartment, without a car and without a phone�and, after spending four days together and then not seeing or hearing from me at all in two days�well, he was lonely. Yea, okay. I think he hung out with macho Mauro, got a bit drunk, talked shit and decided to play his little game of �she won�t call, I won�t call.� But then when he got back home and realized that he hadn�t spoken to me in two days�and was prolly a bit horny from being out drinking in a bar and feeling like having a bit of company�well, then he decided to call. At first, he hinted that he wanted me to drive over to his place. I didn�t bite. I didn�t really say much. Then he flat out asked me to come over. I said no. I was tired. I had already been in bed for over an hour. It was late. No. I could hear it in his voice � his voice cracked�a lot. It hurt that I was telling him no. He wasn�t going to get his way, after all. When he said goodnight, I could feel that he felt dejected.
I turned off the light, pulled the covers up tight around my ears, and told myself that I should celebrate�that was no small victory. The tide is turning. I see the light. Fuck ~ I feel like I see everything now � I see everything in a different light.
I have a song in my head. I played it the whole way to my mom�s last night�and the whole way home�and all the way to work this morning�same song, just that one song, playing over and over again�
The 10th song on the Ray of Light album�
Your heart is not open
So I must go
The spell has been broken
I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creating comes when you learn to say no
You were my lesson
I had to learn
I was your fortress
I had to burn
Pain is a warning
That something�s wrong
I pray to God that it won�t be long
There�s nothing left to try
There�s no place left to hide
There�s no greater power
Than the power of goodbye
I almost forgot to mention�he said that we can talk about it later�but that he was thinking that it might be a nice thing to have a small dinner party at his apartment, for all of my friends that did so much�with the computer and the projector�etc. that he wanted to thank us for al of the nice things we all did.
I am tempted to invite him to my niece�s birthday party (family barbeque) this coming Saturday afternoon at my oldest brother�s house. Because it is a family function�and he would NEVER never never ever accept the invite. He�s never accepted any invitation to meet (even very briefly) any member of my family.
It is all becoming so fucking crystal clear now.
