10:01 a.m. - Jul. 02, 2003
Correspondence: Four Days (Part 3)
Monday, June 30th
More correspondence with Lisa continues...
She writes, in response to my long-ass letter:
"wow...wowwowowwowowoowwwwww.......I feel everything you are feeling...through your words....my heart sank....damn! I am speachless.....I mean, I want to say something positive, something optimistic....but, shit. I know how you must feel.....and as hard as it is, you must be open to those feelings so as not to lead yourself on...and damn! all I want to do it hit Eltin for leading you on!! why won't he say something....one way or the other! they are all the same in that department )(not wanting to make any rash decisions of telling the complete truth for
fear that they might change their minds or pass up an opportunity of devotion by a beautiful woman. if there is anything I have learned....it is to stay away from Narcisistic men....no matter how beautiful, interesting, intelligent, sexy they are.......bad! evil!!
and, yes the Bahamas would be beautiful....but i'm not sure who else has been invited. I have met this guy before (nerdy doctor type) and I'm sure if I was in the right place at the right time I could secure an invite...so, that is the plan for this week (hopefully) Dinner at Sandra's...he will be invited as well as Steve, remember him? my ex-coworker who we went to Colllina's with (when we ran into my dentist/cousin) so..you have to come too, and Steve will bring some wonderful wine from his 1987 collection, absolutely marvelous...and make Eltin jealous!!! coz you don't need him for entertainment, and you know many more refined, educated, intriguing men ;-)
so what are you doing today?? there is a strange feel in the air...I am very spacy today and trying to focus....are you at work? did Elitn say where he was going? have you talked to him today?
I saw Mauro last night and he was asking if I had heard when he was coming
back. I said I dunno..Michele says real real soon ;-)
sending huggs, huggs and more hugs"
And my response to her was:
"God, thank you for these words, Lisa. You are so wonderful and I am so weepy today - just trying to stay focused on work (Yes, I am at work!) Thank you, thank you!!!
Eltin didn't talk much about anything re: the future. Did say he was
getting his car insurance renewed so that leads me to believe that he is staying at least for a little while. But I do not know anything. Nothing.
Not a thing. Your guess is as good as mine...
I don't know if he has lead me on....I think I've chosen to see what I'v
chosen to see. But in contrast, I think that THEY (Eltin and Liz) act like
a couple - more so than he and I do. I just know this. She is all around
him and in his apartment. Pictures, postcards, books, recipes, music...all
over.
A few times -while we were in bed, after making beautiful love....he would
just lay there very quietly...and without saying anything...I would see
tears falling down his face. I asked if he was alright and he said yes. I
asked if he wanted to talk to me and he said yes...but not now. Or not yet.
Which leads me to beleive that he does have something to say and that he
will be saying it.....but WHEN and WHAT!?????"
Lisa then wrote:
"uhhh, torture! all you can do is be strong...God will help you :-) remember
what you said about John Smith (I can never get over how generic that name
is!)..you said the he gave you hope, and then you ran into your beautiful
Ed....no matter what happens, you've had incredible experiences because you
chose to LIVE and not FEAR life and what it has to offer :-)"
I swrote, in response:
"Fuck this is so true................so true. Yes. I need to remember these
things. Yes. Yes. Yes.
I just wonder...oh I wonder so very much...too much!???? IS there a person
out there for me...my perfect match? Am I too weird, too crazy, too bold?
Is there a man out there that suits me that I suit....was I "made" for
partnership? I've never had a relationship for longer than 3 years. Do I have it in me? Am I capable?
Of course - I am not asking you these questions.... :) These are questions
I need to ask myself...I guess.
I should have more faith.
THAT is what THIS is...a test of my faith.
THAT has to be why John Smith came into my life. THAT has to be why Ed came
into my life. THAT has to be why Eltin came into my life. To test my faith.
Fuck, I am failing. Well...ok...I am faltering. I do not want to falter.
I want to be strong. I want to find my mate, dammit. I want that, I truly
do.
So ~ thank you for reminding me of simple truths that I do know in my heart - I just don't choose to always see."
Her reply was:
"me too....I wonder all those same things....I am so tired of being alone, fighting this daily battle of life alone.....and it just seems to get harder and harder. I don't want to settle, but damn it is hard to always be so strong! I don't know if there is a perfect match....but I do agree it is a test of our faith.
i'm just tired of the struggle...."
